ramblings

I need more faith. I need faith to believe that one day I will be free. Faith to believe that one day I will be whole. Faith to believe that one day I will be healed. Faith to understand what it really means to be redeemed. Faith to really receive love. Faith.

Today I feel like I am at a loss. I am frustrated with who I am. I wish I were different. I wish I were nicer, friendlier, kinder and so on. I am frustrated with how I look. I feel like I exercise more, eat less, take vitamins and drink water, just to stay the same weight. I am frustrated with my life. I wish I left as though I had more control over things in my life. I sense that I should be accomplishing more each day and it just isn't happening. Then I worry that others think I should be accomplishing more each day and I feel guilty. I really feel frustrated by all of this.

Today, I wanted to just cook. Cook a great lunch. Just like I used to. But the right ingredients are not available. The people are not here to eat it. I feel like I cannot even enjoy it. It made me long for my kitchen, my food, the things that are familiar and comfortable. Sure, I have people tell me often to cook for them or invite them over. But it is not the same. Now it feels forced, not like it did every single day there.

My heart is hurting because I am scared that I will never get out of this feeling. I am scared that I will feel a sense of loss forever. I am scared my heart will never feel whole. Truthfully, it makes me want to give up, to give in. Like a why bother. I feel like no one even cares to know me deeply so why try to go there with people.

Sometimes, it is just hard for me to be around people so consistently, for so many hours. I like my time away, my space. I can keep myself busy for long periods of time, but these moments come and my heart aches for where I wish I were - and that is not here.

I am growing angry and almost feel like I care less about some things. I am losing myself in the mess of emotions. And I don't even know what to do about that. I can pretend to some degree to be myself, but I am not even comfortable with me. I am hurting inside and I truly don't know what I am supposed to do about it. Do I reach out to someone? What am I supposed to say? This is when it is true, I wish I could hand out cue cards with questions written on them for people to ask me the right thing at the right time.

Again, my faith feels small right now. I want to believe this will not be like this forever.