problem

I have a problem.

You see, when I was younger, my parents fought a lot. There was yelling, slamming of doors, punching of walls, throwing things and constant tension. It was hard to live in the midst of. If I was in the room when the tension began to rise, I either left or was told to go and clean my room. Bottom line was I was not allowed to be in the midst of it and I never saw the resolution of it. The tension and fighting continued until the end of my parents marriage. And then some.

My bedroom became my escape. It was sort of my safe place. I had bunk beds in my room and when my parents got their loudest, I chose to hide the furthest away possible - under the bottom bunk. I had no where else to go and no one else to turn to. I had questions, I was scared and felt alone. I hid to try to get away from the tension, to avoid the fighting. I could not resolve it and I couldn't escape it; so I hid from it. Or better said, I hid it all in my heart.

This seemed to work for so many years. When there was a problem I ran from it. I hid from it. I isolated myself in order to feel in control of my environment. I still fear things getting out of control all around me and when they do, I still find myself running for my room and trying to hide. I hide physically, to some extent.

But worse, I hide emotionally. I am terrified of "coming out from under the bed." I have no idea who I can trust and who can keep me safe. When I sense that someone is upset, I withdraw. I want to take away my presence hoping that will solve the problem. I have this crazy mixed up lie in my head that my presence is the problem. If I can hide far enough away, maybe that will fix things and relieve people.

I would like to see this be different. However, I really don't know how to make a change. I want desperately to run and hide from things, from people. And at the same time, I long for my heart to be known. I don't know how to make this work. I guess I just wish I knew what it is I was supposed to do. Am I supposed to call someone? I don't want to bother anyone. Am I supposed to tell people what is going on in my heart? What if they don't care? Am I supposed to share the lies that are going on in my mind? What if they listen and know what they are? Simply, I don't know what to do with this. I don't know how to stop.

It almost sounds like an addiction. Like I am addicted to isolation. It is what brings me comfort to some extent. And I don't know how to stop. I thought about that thru much of the day today. Someone that is addicted to something very well may try to put a stop to it but it feels impossible. I do need a "sponsor" of sorts who I know I can just call and talk to no matter how crazy I sound. I need to hear someone else's version of this.

I don't know. I just want to stop the madness. I want to learn a different way. And I guess at the same time, I am terrified that I will not be able to change.