burden

I never want to be a burden. To anyone. Tonight someone questioned why I use that word. I never think of myself as an inconvenience. That sounds trivial, light. I will always refer to myself as a burden. That is how I see myself. What I think about myself.

What is a burden? According to Merriam Webster, it is something that is carried, something oppressive or worrisome, the bearing of a load. According to Wikipedia, it is a heavy weight that is difficult to carry. Metaphorically it refers to anything difficult or troubling.

So, do I see myself as oppressive, a load to bear, a heavy weight I place on others? In so many ways I do. I sense as though my one time of asking for someone to listen to me would be such a terrible inconvenience that it would wind up being as a burden to them.

She asked if anyone had ever said that to me? Has anyone at some point in my life said to me that I am a burden? Interesting question, something to ponder. Truthfully, I cannot remember right off the bat. I don't know if I even felt that way about myself growing up. But I know that in friendships, I absolutely feel that way. I want so desperately to talk and to share with people, I want to be known. Yet, that very desire remains locked away because I am too afraid to say anything, to share (without being asked first) or to need anything or anybody. Why can't it be simpler? Why can't I trust that my friends are my friends? Or trust in what a friend is?

Am I a burden? Do I see myself only as that? Why? How can that be changed?