every three months

My past year has been hard. Sure years before that were hard with legal issues, crazy people and safety concerns. But, I think I have sense of stability when I have a place to call home. But this past year has been riddled with moving to and fro, here and there.

Last August I returned to the states in order to get a better perspective on things that were going on Peru. I booked a ticket for one month and wound up staying three. It just took me that long to make some of the decisions I needed to make.

I returned to Peru in November, part of me knowing I would be moving back to the US and another part of me begging to stay in Peru. I waited and listened to God and knew that my time in Peru was coming to a close. It was hard to pack up six years of my life in order to move back, but it was time and it had to be done.

I arrived in February back in the states and was graciously taken in by a family to stay without even really discussing the terms and conditions of my stay with them. Throughout this time, I have worried almost daily about being in the way, being a burden and just not being wanted. No, I haven't said those things to them, they just float through my mind and heart constantly.

Now, because of things that are changing at this family's house, I need to find someplace else to move to. It really didn't come as a surprise to hear it. I am not mad at them or myself. But, most definitely my eyes quickly filled with tears and I held them back as much as possible. As soon as I could, I took refuge in my room where I could begin to take some action. Although they say it is not urgent, I feel the urgency because these changes are about to occur this week. I really don't know where to go, but I feel the need to figure it out.

It is really hard for me to trust God when I am hurting. Too many times, I have suffered pains of the heart and I have just had to deal with them. Alone. So to trust that God is going to lead me to a room, a family, somewhere to stay is hard for me to believe. Someone encourages me to let people care about me. For me it is not an issue of someone caring about me, it is an issue of where I will lay my head. Now what? Now where?

I want to take action because then I won't feel all that is going on in my heart. I am scared that where I end up will be the wrong place and I will just be uncomfortable the entire time. I am scared that I will emotionally pull away from the family where I am currently staying and hurt the friendships I have with them. I am scared of where I will go from there. I feel like I cannot ask too much of any one family, so asking for a room over the summer is plenty. But then August comes and what do I do?

This makes me face the reality that daily I crave to walk into my apartment in Peru, to be in my kitchen the size of a closet, to hear the crazy noises of my neighbors and the street vendors and the like. I want to have a place that is my own again. I feel like I am living in such a way right now that I cannot settle in. I lived with the question of what do I do next for far too long. I hate feeling that at any time, I will have to make another move.

My heart is tired of trying to adjust to all these changes. This is where I come back to this feeling of wanting to just pack up my car and disappear. I just don't want to be anyone's burden. Heck, I don't know what to do with me, why should anyone else be pulled into that question along with me? I already know my patterns...I want to numb all of these feelings and go into hiding. The opposite of all of that is to not numb anything and stay in the open. But you know, for me that is scary.

ramblings

I need more faith. I need faith to believe that one day I will be free. Faith to believe that one day I will be whole. Faith to believe that one day I will be healed. Faith to understand what it really means to be redeemed. Faith to really receive love. Faith.

Today I feel like I am at a loss. I am frustrated with who I am. I wish I were different. I wish I were nicer, friendlier, kinder and so on. I am frustrated with how I look. I feel like I exercise more, eat less, take vitamins and drink water, just to stay the same weight. I am frustrated with my life. I wish I left as though I had more control over things in my life. I sense that I should be accomplishing more each day and it just isn't happening. Then I worry that others think I should be accomplishing more each day and I feel guilty. I really feel frustrated by all of this.

Today, I wanted to just cook. Cook a great lunch. Just like I used to. But the right ingredients are not available. The people are not here to eat it. I feel like I cannot even enjoy it. It made me long for my kitchen, my food, the things that are familiar and comfortable. Sure, I have people tell me often to cook for them or invite them over. But it is not the same. Now it feels forced, not like it did every single day there.

My heart is hurting because I am scared that I will never get out of this feeling. I am scared that I will feel a sense of loss forever. I am scared my heart will never feel whole. Truthfully, it makes me want to give up, to give in. Like a why bother. I feel like no one even cares to know me deeply so why try to go there with people.

Sometimes, it is just hard for me to be around people so consistently, for so many hours. I like my time away, my space. I can keep myself busy for long periods of time, but these moments come and my heart aches for where I wish I were - and that is not here.

I am growing angry and almost feel like I care less about some things. I am losing myself in the mess of emotions. And I don't even know what to do about that. I can pretend to some degree to be myself, but I am not even comfortable with me. I am hurting inside and I truly don't know what I am supposed to do about it. Do I reach out to someone? What am I supposed to say? This is when it is true, I wish I could hand out cue cards with questions written on them for people to ask me the right thing at the right time.

Again, my faith feels small right now. I want to believe this will not be like this forever.

weekends

I am not sure why the weekends seem to be harder on me. Maybe because what little routine I have on weekdays flies out the window on the weekend? Maybe because I think people will be freer to visit me and that is not the case at all? Maybe I get my hopes up only for them to be dashed?

I walked around a few stores today and longed to be back in Peru. I longed to speak Spanish. I longed to hear the sounds, smell the smells and see the sites. I longed to be with people who are my friends. I wanted to be in a place that I felt safe and comfortable.

I almost started crying a hundred times. I had to keep telling myself to wait until I got home. Wait until it is okay. But when I seem to want to let the tears out, they just don't flow. I feel unhappy and discontent.

I don't feel as though I belong. I know I need to find a place to fit in, a place to belong to. A community. I thought my community was here, and in some way it is. But my community is no longer one, it has split into many parts and I am not sure which I fit into. This has some resemblance to my parents divorcing and creating new families. I wasn't really a part of either although before I was part of the one. I think that is how I feel a little bit.

I wish I knew where to start. I wish I knew where I could fit in, where I could belong, where I could become a part of things. You know I always said it may be easier to "start over" and not return to a place I was once part of. Going back brings up expectations of what once was and will never again be. I don't really know how to release those expectations in order to allow God to recreate things.

I feel really alone here. And I don't like it.

chosen

I am reading through Job. Is that telling? Fitting? Crazy? I am not sure, but I had tried to follow a reading through the Bible in a year type thing and although I let e few weeks go by without following it, I decided to get back on the bandwagon. So, I am in Job right now and thankfully, I am almost done.

A few things have stood out to me. But, I wanted to highlight that as I started in on Job 30 yesterday, I was struck by the fact that Job had become the "butt of the joke." Because of his losses and "misfortune" he was now mocked, spit on, taunted and so on. Why did this stand out to me? Because those around him were responding to his external state. They saw the losses, they saw the boils and suddenly he became the lowly, the rejected. Their mocking and taunting really had nothing to do with Job's character or his heart. They responded merely to what they could see externally.

It is too bad that people respond to externals rather than what is inside. Too often, we see someone and based on what we can visually assess, we judge them. Judgment is wrong. Basing things on externals is wrong. Oh, but it happens.

If we look back in the first few chapters of Job, we find that the things that happened to him were not as a result of sin. Satan was roaming the earth and when he reported himself in the presence of God, God offered Job as an idea. God OFFERED Job. That was a reality check for me! Satan didn't just choose Job and God gave permission. God offered Job to satan as a person who could lose everything and not sin, not dishonor God.

I guess what strikes me then is that by chapter 30, the people are mocking him based on what they see. However we know (Job didn't at the time) that God had chosen & offered Job to Satan to go through all of this as a testimony of Job's faithfulness to God. How many times do we see trials as a result of sin? In Peru, it was all too common for others to see something go wrong and immediately assume it was judgment from God on that person's sin.

Have we ever looked at someone's life, seen them walk through trials and thought, wow...how lucky...they were chosen by God to be a testimony to Him. How many times do we encourage those going through trials in that way? It sure is easy to make judgment on what we see. But next time, when you see someone going through a difficult season, trials and tribulations, remember that God may have chosen them to be a testimony of His greatness. Encourage your brother or your sister in that way.

This is not to say that in moments of grief in their life, you walk up and pat them on the back and say "Lucky you!" but gently remind them that they go through things only by God's permission and sometimes by God's suggestion. Those times are opportunities to trust Him in a greater way. Encourage your hurting friend to recount God's faithfulness even in difficult times. Don't mock, spit upon or taunt them.

death & grieving

When I mentioned that at the memorial service of their father, my friend and her brother made those in attendance laugh; my Peruvian friend found that strange. "I suppose we Peruvians are mas emocionales." I realized there are several differences between death in the different countries.

In Peru, the funeral and burial is almost immediate, within 24 hours typically. In years past, the chemicals were not available to inject dead bodies for the duration of funeral planning that I have seen in the US. In Peru, it was a quick service and quick burial to prevent the spread of disease. I have heard of stories in which those that came to do autopsies were asked to write false dates and times in order to give friends and family time to arrive. Although the burial may be rapid, transportation is not!

Grief and mourning seem to be different. There are times when I think Peruvians do not show very much emotion. I remember asking if my friend cried at his brother's funeral. I guess I just do not see emotion among Peruvian men. Ever. So, naturally one would wonder if that emotion would be released upon news of a death.

But then here's the catch, I think as Americans we seem to be much more deeply affected by death. Someone may die in our lives and we always go back to it. We talk about it and how it changed and affected us. Peruvians seem to know death is simply part of life. Maybe Americans think that their power extends to immortality too?

Anyway, back to my friend and her brother and their memorial service humor. They shared about their father and told the tales of their lives. Their father was a funny man and that came out in each and every one of the stories. Those that had come to pay their respects remembered their father in a similar way and enjoyed a trip down memory lane. There was no disrespect, of course they will miss him, of course they are sad. But for a brief time, they chose to remember the great things about their father.

Grief is an interesting thing and it makes us do interesting things. I like the custom we tend to have that we bring tales and stories which help people remember those that have passed in the most positive way. We walked away from saying goodbye with tears in our eyes and a smile on our lips.

Words

So, we have arrived in 2009. Somehow 2008 went by with hardly a blink. Yet so many things are about to change. I don't even feel like this is a "new year" since everything new will come in a few weeks.

But one thing "new" is my desire to follow along with a blog that is reading through the Bible in a year. I think that others reading along and asking questions is a perfect motivation for me. I think that it will help me to stay accountable to my desire. I know many things are coming my way which could derail me and distract me. But I know I need to stand firm and continue.

For some time, the words that go through my mind are "satisfied in obedience" and I think I am living that out now. I am walking in obedience. I trust that I will be satisfied, content and at peace knowing that I have obeyed. Even if my feelings don't "want" to cooperate.

Now, my new words are "breathing and grieving." I think those are the two things I will have to walk out with. Like, I cannot expect more of myself than God expects of me. Right now, He is leading me through that valley of grief again. Once again, I know I won't stay there forever. I know God will later use the strength I gain in the valley. I simply need to walk through. I am so thankful that I am not required to be or do more.

Anyway, I needed to start writing again. Mostly, I hope to write about some of the things God is sharing with me through my readings. But I may share some other random stuff.

Gracias.

Learn to Lose?

"In America, we teach people how to acquire things, but we don't teach how to lose them,"

Bishop F. Josephus Johnson II said. Johnson is the senior pastor of The House of the Lord in Akron Ohio. This church is home to Patty Porter, mother of Jesse Marie Davis, the pregnant 26-year-old Lake Township, Ohio, woman whose body was found June 23, 10 days after she disappeared.

I was struck by this comment. At times I experience the clash between wanting to acquire and seeing the benefit in losing things. Even in the last few days I have seen that play out. I returned from the jungle with over 30 pounds of fruit including plantains, carambola, jungle mandarins and oranges. When I asked my friends what they did with their large containers of fruit, one admitted that while her family was consuming it, her mom was also giving it away bit by bit to visitors. Yesterday, someone visited and brought even more fruit! I have had the opportunity to give some away to people that visit my house and for whatever reason I could not.

I realize that fruit has no comparison with a life and that my giving away would be completely voluntary while so many people lose things involuntarily. But I am struck by the reality that Americans in general live to acquire more and must learn how to lose in order to be healthy, sane humans.

I was drawn back to the article I found on cnn.com and read it out loud to those at my house (translated into Spanish of course!).

The reality, Johnson said, is that life amounts to an unending series of losses. "From the moment that we come out of our mother's womb, there's a loss. There's a loss of connection. ... And then all along, we lose as we grow up. We lose friends, we change grades, we lose toys, we lose pets. ... As you get into later life, we lose hair, we lose strength. ... So life can be viewed as a series of losses, but yet America is much more concerned about what we acquire than it is about what we lose."

As a result, well-meaning people often make unhelpful remarks to grieving people.

"One of the things we say a lot is, 'Time will heal all wounds.' And time really does not heal anything," Johnson said. "We give the example in Grief Recovery that if we believe time heals things, then when you get a flat tire, just go out and get a chair and sit by it and see whether the flat fixes itself. It's not going to do that. You have to make informed decisions and choices in order to be able to heal certain things."

Part of the problem, he said, is that Americans tend to try to work through things intellectually rather than emotionally.

"When you have an event that brings emotional loss, you cannot think your way through that, you have to feel your way through it. It's like going into a dark room: You can't think your way through that room, you have to put your hands out and feel your way through it."

And although he says we often bring grief upon ourselves by making poor decisions that have bad consequences, Johnson acknowledges that bad things happen to good people.

"The redeeming factor is that God is going to redeem the world one day, and nothing that happens to us in this life is final in terms of where we're going to spend eternity," he said.

"God will redeem those things. He will one day right every wrong. But in the meantime, we are facing still some of the things that are going on because in the fall, the devil himself, now understanding that he is not going to win, is more active than he has ever been."