happened again

Well, it kinda happened again. But in a different way. Since early this morning, I have been wrestling with "feeling" okay. It includes the thoughts of I don't belong, I am not wanted, I am in the way and sends me down a path I really don't desire to be on. I wind up really missing Peru and thinking about the things I need to do to just get myself back there. I worry that others around me are uncomfortable around me and that makes me want to hide, but when I hide, people are uncomfortable. I feel like I can't win.

Okay, so this afternoon...lots of people, most of whom are heading somewhere together...part of me wants to stay, part of me wants to go. I debate mentally instead of respond physically. One of the other gals encourages me to go and I mentally sway to the side of going. I run to change my shoes and hear the front door close. I was still decided to participate, to be social. Then once I stepped out the door and down the first few steps, it hit me...which car will I go in? Of course, I wouldn't want to arrive alone; I would want to go with others. But I don't have the courage or confidence to ask. So...I turned around and came back inside.

Mind you, I don't feel defeated. I went in and cleaned the kitchen, made some coffee and enjoyed some time alone. I am totally okay with that and truthfully don't feel left out or unwanted. But I do feel disappointed in myself. Disappointed that I didn't take a few more steps in order to make myself part of the others. Disappointed that my fears control me. Disappointed that I just don't know how to do this; this being interact with others in a positive and healthy way.

Then it just makes me mad. Mad because I realize that all that time as a little girl that I was supposed to learn these things was spent dealing with my fighting parents and using up all my effort to do everything perfectly. Mad because I feel like such a little girl when it comes to these things. Mad because I don't know what to do in these situations; who can I turn to? Mad because this is not what I want to be facing in life. Mad because I wish I was past this growing and learning stage; I wish these things were already learned.

I am not really sure where to turn with all of these thoughts and feelings. And that kind of frustrates me as well. Anyway...it happened again. I acted like a little girl.