living beyond ourselves

So, I am excited to begin a new study. With others. It will be good. Strange how all the connections have happened, but yet I am still eager to see what God is up to. He has something planned, something designed for all of this. I really am not so sure what that is right now. But, I am glad to journey these next few months with these women.

We are going to be studying the Beth Moore study of Living Beyond Yourself. It is the study of Galatians with a focus on the fruit of the spirit. I am glad to participate and very glad to know that I will be learning more about how God wants to fill me and grow fruit through me.

I was just pondering the name.

Living. Something someone said recently has stuck with me. That I must learn how to live instead of only survive. That I have perfected my survival skills, but that I now have the opportunity to learn to live. I suppose I wonder and marvel at how much this may teach me just that. How to live!

Beyond. Sometimes we are eager to know there is more. That what we see, touch, hear and smell is not all there is. We long to know that there is more. I recognize that all too often I have cried out how much I hate my life. Not really life in general, but my life. The daily activities of living. I am again eager to see something more. Something beyond. When you think of the word, there is almost this sense of hope for more; hope that there is truly something besides what you can see.

Yourself. Myself. Again, not always happy with who I am. Knowing there is more. I do long to have God heal, restore and make me whole. Maybe this will truly be a time for me to see God reach in and do a bit of that. It is not all about me; never has been. I need to see God at work in me. I need to comprehend that God has more for me. I need to allow Him to get in deep; deeper than I have before.

Living. Beyond. Yourself.

It is my prayer that I will learn to live, not just survive.
It is my prayer that I will have hope in the "beyond".
It is my prayer that I will see God and not just myself.

ramblings

I need more faith. I need faith to believe that one day I will be free. Faith to believe that one day I will be whole. Faith to believe that one day I will be healed. Faith to understand what it really means to be redeemed. Faith to really receive love. Faith.

Today I feel like I am at a loss. I am frustrated with who I am. I wish I were different. I wish I were nicer, friendlier, kinder and so on. I am frustrated with how I look. I feel like I exercise more, eat less, take vitamins and drink water, just to stay the same weight. I am frustrated with my life. I wish I left as though I had more control over things in my life. I sense that I should be accomplishing more each day and it just isn't happening. Then I worry that others think I should be accomplishing more each day and I feel guilty. I really feel frustrated by all of this.

Today, I wanted to just cook. Cook a great lunch. Just like I used to. But the right ingredients are not available. The people are not here to eat it. I feel like I cannot even enjoy it. It made me long for my kitchen, my food, the things that are familiar and comfortable. Sure, I have people tell me often to cook for them or invite them over. But it is not the same. Now it feels forced, not like it did every single day there.

My heart is hurting because I am scared that I will never get out of this feeling. I am scared that I will feel a sense of loss forever. I am scared my heart will never feel whole. Truthfully, it makes me want to give up, to give in. Like a why bother. I feel like no one even cares to know me deeply so why try to go there with people.

Sometimes, it is just hard for me to be around people so consistently, for so many hours. I like my time away, my space. I can keep myself busy for long periods of time, but these moments come and my heart aches for where I wish I were - and that is not here.

I am growing angry and almost feel like I care less about some things. I am losing myself in the mess of emotions. And I don't even know what to do about that. I can pretend to some degree to be myself, but I am not even comfortable with me. I am hurting inside and I truly don't know what I am supposed to do about it. Do I reach out to someone? What am I supposed to say? This is when it is true, I wish I could hand out cue cards with questions written on them for people to ask me the right thing at the right time.

Again, my faith feels small right now. I want to believe this will not be like this forever.

Destructive Storms

At 4:30 pm on Friday, August 31, Aucayacu experienced strong hurricane winds accompanied by torrential rains. The storm left 105 homes without any roofs at all and many others were partially removed; many of these in the neighborhood where we served (Primero de Mayo) which is close to the Huallaga River. A report from a local paper also spoke of three schools that were also damaged; leaving children hurt by the flying metal pieces. You may recall from our conversations with the Mayor and residents that they believed a good education for their children would be key to lifting the community from their impoverished past.

Don William shared that out of all of the houses on their block; only 2 or 3 withstood the storm without any damage! We have received specific reports that the house (on the corner) we were looking at rebuilding has begun to come down. The Rengifo family has moved their things over to Jacky’s house for the time being because the roof and posts are down.

Their granddaughter LuzMari (the really cheerful servant) is said to have her familys’ roof down too. Doña Rosa has lost the roof on her kitchen and some of the bedrooms. In addition, Don Jose (who left early morning prior to our departure to gather and gift the fruit from his land to us) has no roof; Clara, who served us a refreshing yucca drink on the last day, has lost most of her roof; Marta, another neighbor down the street, has suffered the same. Romolo, Don William’s oldest son, had a coconut tree fall on their roof, causing severe damage; thankfully his wife and two small children got out in time!

Edgar, who received Christ during the Creekside team visit, lives with his in-laws; the roof of their wooden home was badly damaged. The recently added area, the “invasion” had 13 small particle board houses which have all suffered damage of some sort.

Shelter is the most basic of needs and the community we impacted are feeling that need now more than ever. However, even through this, God is working on the individuals in the Barrio from a spiritual perspective. Doña Rosa was understandably emotional, conveyed that she felt "terribly desperate" and was reminded that storms will come, but what is important is having peace in her heart.

Norith, Don William’s daughter, expressed that she realized through the storm that her faith was very small. She would like to talk some more about her faith and God. What awesome opportunities…God, through the mission team from Creekside Church, helped plant those seeds.

At this point, we are working on the best ways to deliver the needed assistance of (mainly) roofing supplies. At this point we are looking at hiring an empty banana truck, making the trip back to Aucayacu. We would load this truck with roofing supplies and materials and deliver it directly to those we are ministering to in the "barrio" of Primero de Mayo.

The goal in mind is that we go to be an example to them and then send them out into the city to help others around them. We go to meet a need, bless them and take advantage of the opportunity God is giving us to speak into their lives once again about having peace in their hearts even in the midst of a storm. People are hungry for the truth and I am SO EXCITED that we are part of this!

We have an opportunity to provide some needed assistance to the Primero de Mayo barrio we ministered to and participate in some long term spiritual growth opportunities. What a blessing it would be to know that we equipped one barrio, which responded to God's grace and blazed through the rest of Aucayacu and then into other surrounding towns!!