In considering the ways in which we must allow ourselves to be crucified in order to identify with Christ, the one regarding pain stand out to me most.
After spending the weekend at HeartChange, we were encouraged and even in some ways forced to feel the pain. It was grueling to some extent, but well worth it in others. I had a headache & backache for some time and was dying for some relief. Several had prayed for me, prayed over me and I was not feeling better; in fact at times the headache got worse.
One morning when we were supposed to share from the heart I began to share how the headache and backache I had were overwhelming. It was leading me to see that once more, I was going to have to take care of myself. Just like in coming back from Peru. Just like in moving out of the last home I was in. Just like when I was a little girl and my parents weren't there for me. Just like all my life. My heart was crying out to be cared for.
The group gathered around me. They prayed, they cared and they loved. Eventually, I laid down, took more medicine and felt better after some time.
If I had not had that extreme pain, I would not have had the deep love. Interesting concept, no?
16 June 2009
crucified
Today's study was about being crucified. "I have been crucified with Christ..." I am to identify with Christ in His death in order to allow Him to live through me. Trouble is, too often I am not sure how to identify with the crucified life. We covered some points today that I wanted to take note of.
1. I will be misunderstood as I pursue God.
2. I must relinquish my will, my plans and receive that which He has prepared for me.
3. This road may be lonely.
4. Alone may be exactly where God wants me.
5. I must always be prepared to give an answer.
6. I must be willing to do something different for God; get out of my box!
7. The road may be undignified.
8. I must relinquish my rights.
9. I must allow pain into my life and not try to medicate it away.
10. I must remember that I am not forsaken although I may feel that way at times.
I must be willing to identify with His crucifixion in order to identify with Him in His life!
1. I will be misunderstood as I pursue God.
2. I must relinquish my will, my plans and receive that which He has prepared for me.
3. This road may be lonely.
4. Alone may be exactly where God wants me.
5. I must always be prepared to give an answer.
6. I must be willing to do something different for God; get out of my box!
7. The road may be undignified.
8. I must relinquish my rights.
9. I must allow pain into my life and not try to medicate it away.
10. I must remember that I am not forsaken although I may feel that way at times.
I must be willing to identify with His crucifixion in order to identify with Him in His life!
10 June 2009
prepared
We are starting out with a bit of an overview of Galatians in this study. I remember studying Galatians from the perspective of false teaching, but I sense that this is going to give me yet another perspective. Even further out, we started with a visit by Paul & Barnabus to Pisidian Antioch on the day of the sabbath, visiting a synagogue. The rulers read from the Law & the Prophets and sent word to Paul & Barnabus to share a word of encouragement.
Immediately, I am reminded of so many instances where I would be visiting a church in the mountains or jungles of Peru and simply because I was there, I would be asked to share. Oh, to be able to lay out a sermon like this at a moment's notice. To be able to articulate God's intimate involvement in history. Paul & Barnabus were ready to share at any moment. There was no self-doubt; no false humility; no worry of offense. Simply and concisely, they share saying "Listen to me!" and continue with an incredible sermon citing the history of God's hand in the people of Israel up to the opportunity to receive forgiveness because of Christ's sacrifice.
Immediately, I am reminded of so many instances where I would be visiting a church in the mountains or jungles of Peru and simply because I was there, I would be asked to share. Oh, to be able to lay out a sermon like this at a moment's notice. To be able to articulate God's intimate involvement in history. Paul & Barnabus were ready to share at any moment. There was no self-doubt; no false humility; no worry of offense. Simply and concisely, they share saying "Listen to me!" and continue with an incredible sermon citing the history of God's hand in the people of Israel up to the opportunity to receive forgiveness because of Christ's sacrifice.
09 June 2009
beyond
I sense that the word beyond will become more important that I can now fathom. I felt like I needed to get a quick sense about the meaning. The worldly meaning. But, I have a feeling that by the end of this, I will have a better grasp of what God wants to say through the word beyond.
Merriam Webster: from Old English begeondan, from be- + geondan beyond, from geond yond
Date: before 12th century
1 : on or to the farther side : farther
2 : in addition : besides
The Free Dictionary
prep.
1. On the far side of; past: Just beyond the fence.
2. Later than; after: beyond midnight.
3. To a degree that is past the understanding, reach, or scope of: an evil beyond remedy.
4. To a degree or amount greater than: rich beyond his wildest dreams.
5. In addition to: asked for nothing beyond peace and quiet.
adv.
1. Farther along or away.
2. In addition; more: wanted her share but nothing beyond.
n.
1. That which is past or to a degree greater than knowledge or experience; the unknown: "Sputnik, the first satellite to enter the great beyond of space" Dale Russakoff.
2. The world beyond death; the hereafter.
Merriam Webster: from Old English begeondan, from be- + geondan beyond, from geond yond
Date: before 12th century
1 : on or to the farther side : farther
2 : in addition : besides
The Free Dictionary
prep.
1. On the far side of; past: Just beyond the fence.
2. Later than; after: beyond midnight.
3. To a degree that is past the understanding, reach, or scope of: an evil beyond remedy.
4. To a degree or amount greater than: rich beyond his wildest dreams.
5. In addition to: asked for nothing beyond peace and quiet.
adv.
1. Farther along or away.
2. In addition; more: wanted her share but nothing beyond.
n.
1. That which is past or to a degree greater than knowledge or experience; the unknown: "Sputnik, the first satellite to enter the great beyond of space" Dale Russakoff.
2. The world beyond death; the hereafter.
living beyond ourselves
So, I am excited to begin a new study. With others. It will be good. Strange how all the connections have happened, but yet I am still eager to see what God is up to. He has something planned, something designed for all of this. I really am not so sure what that is right now. But, I am glad to journey these next few months with these women.
We are going to be studying the Beth Moore study of Living Beyond Yourself. It is the study of Galatians with a focus on the fruit of the spirit. I am glad to participate and very glad to know that I will be learning more about how God wants to fill me and grow fruit through me.
I was just pondering the name.
Living. Something someone said recently has stuck with me. That I must learn how to live instead of only survive. That I have perfected my survival skills, but that I now have the opportunity to learn to live. I suppose I wonder and marvel at how much this may teach me just that. How to live!
Beyond. Sometimes we are eager to know there is more. That what we see, touch, hear and smell is not all there is. We long to know that there is more. I recognize that all too often I have cried out how much I hate my life. Not really life in general, but my life. The daily activities of living. I am again eager to see something more. Something beyond. When you think of the word, there is almost this sense of hope for more; hope that there is truly something besides what you can see.
Yourself. Myself. Again, not always happy with who I am. Knowing there is more. I do long to have God heal, restore and make me whole. Maybe this will truly be a time for me to see God reach in and do a bit of that. It is not all about me; never has been. I need to see God at work in me. I need to comprehend that God has more for me. I need to allow Him to get in deep; deeper than I have before.
Living. Beyond. Yourself.
It is my prayer that I will learn to live, not just survive.
It is my prayer that I will have hope in the "beyond".
It is my prayer that I will see God and not just myself.
We are going to be studying the Beth Moore study of Living Beyond Yourself. It is the study of Galatians with a focus on the fruit of the spirit. I am glad to participate and very glad to know that I will be learning more about how God wants to fill me and grow fruit through me.
I was just pondering the name.
Living. Something someone said recently has stuck with me. That I must learn how to live instead of only survive. That I have perfected my survival skills, but that I now have the opportunity to learn to live. I suppose I wonder and marvel at how much this may teach me just that. How to live!
Beyond. Sometimes we are eager to know there is more. That what we see, touch, hear and smell is not all there is. We long to know that there is more. I recognize that all too often I have cried out how much I hate my life. Not really life in general, but my life. The daily activities of living. I am again eager to see something more. Something beyond. When you think of the word, there is almost this sense of hope for more; hope that there is truly something besides what you can see.
Yourself. Myself. Again, not always happy with who I am. Knowing there is more. I do long to have God heal, restore and make me whole. Maybe this will truly be a time for me to see God reach in and do a bit of that. It is not all about me; never has been. I need to see God at work in me. I need to comprehend that God has more for me. I need to allow Him to get in deep; deeper than I have before.
Living. Beyond. Yourself.
It is my prayer that I will learn to live, not just survive.
It is my prayer that I will have hope in the "beyond".
It is my prayer that I will see God and not just myself.
05 June 2009
transformation
Transformation is more than just knowing the Word of God. I can know what the Bible says and I can know what God intends for me. But I can still be left wondering how transformation comes about.
What more must take place besides just learning and knowing? How does that transfer into change? Honestly, I know a lot, I believe a lot yet something inside of me knows there is a lot farther to journey before I arrive at "being transformed."
I long to see the changes I can now only dream about. Normally I am one who can see all the steps in the process to bring about change. Yet in this one, I cannot conceive of what would be necessary, or maybe I really do know and just don't want to actually admit it.
Transformation. How has it come about in your life? How have you become free from your past? How have you seen change come into your life?
What more must take place besides just learning and knowing? How does that transfer into change? Honestly, I know a lot, I believe a lot yet something inside of me knows there is a lot farther to journey before I arrive at "being transformed."
I long to see the changes I can now only dream about. Normally I am one who can see all the steps in the process to bring about change. Yet in this one, I cannot conceive of what would be necessary, or maybe I really do know and just don't want to actually admit it.
Transformation. How has it come about in your life? How have you become free from your past? How have you seen change come into your life?
01 June 2009
today
It's my birthday. A depressing sort of day for me. I mentioned that the day before my birthday is full of sad memories. Well, seems as though it only got more depressing. I got news today that my grandmother is in a full time care facility because her dementia was out of control. It makes me sad that she will never be the grandmother that gave hugs that hurt anymore. She may not even remember me anymore. I guess I just find that kind of sad and depressing.
Besides getting bad news, I am struggling to figure out what to do tomorrow. I work during the day and of course I would love to have some friends come by tomorrow in the evening. Except I don't want to extend the effort only to be rejected. What if I invite people and they don't come by? I have waited long enough, it would not surprise me if no one could. So do I just decide that no one comes and that is that? No invites, no rejections. I think that is my current plan, sadly enough.
More later. I should sleep.
Besides getting bad news, I am struggling to figure out what to do tomorrow. I work during the day and of course I would love to have some friends come by tomorrow in the evening. Except I don't want to extend the effort only to be rejected. What if I invite people and they don't come by? I have waited long enough, it would not surprise me if no one could. So do I just decide that no one comes and that is that? No invites, no rejections. I think that is my current plan, sadly enough.
More later. I should sleep.
31 May 2009
ten years ago...
Ten years ago today, I got a call I never would have imagined. Ten years ago today, the news shocked me to the point of me collapsing to the floor. Ten years ago today, I lost someone I cared about deeply.
I spent Memorial Day at a BBQ in the park with a group of friends. After the BBQ was over, I visited some friends in their home, just to say hello. I cannot remember how long I stayed or what we talked about. But afterwards, I drove home alone.
The light was blinking on the machine. I had a message or two. One was from my father, asking me to call him. He had bad news to share. Truthfully, I couldn't even fathom what kind of news he was ready to tell me. If I would have known, maybe I would never have called.
I returned the call only to find out that my stepmom Laura had died that day. I imagined a car accident where cars spun out of control or another sort of accident which may have instantly taken her life. But, I would not have imagined that when I asked how he would have hesitated to tell me. He said that she took her own life. The nice way to say that she chose to kill herself.
I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach and knocked all the wind out of me. I remember pacing from my kitchen to the living room and back, over and over, as I talked on the phone. I asked for more details, I tried to understand.
My dad explained that she had been missing for several days and that only today they found her car parked at a campsite on Mt. Diablo and found her body in a nearby ravine, full of pills and alcohol; she had left the can of Drano in the car. She had smoked several cigarettes while she was waiting for it all to take effect.
I remember that my dad asked if there was anything he could do for me. I couldn't even imagine what. He was a couple hours away and I was alone in my apartment with my knees giving away. I called a friend of mine who drove 45 minutes to see me and my roommate unexpectedly came home that evening.
I sobbed and sobbed. I don't remember any of the conversation that night. I don't remember going to bed. I don't remember my thoughts about it all.
I just remember that 10 years ago today, my life was changed.
I spent Memorial Day at a BBQ in the park with a group of friends. After the BBQ was over, I visited some friends in their home, just to say hello. I cannot remember how long I stayed or what we talked about. But afterwards, I drove home alone.
The light was blinking on the machine. I had a message or two. One was from my father, asking me to call him. He had bad news to share. Truthfully, I couldn't even fathom what kind of news he was ready to tell me. If I would have known, maybe I would never have called.
I returned the call only to find out that my stepmom Laura had died that day. I imagined a car accident where cars spun out of control or another sort of accident which may have instantly taken her life. But, I would not have imagined that when I asked how he would have hesitated to tell me. He said that she took her own life. The nice way to say that she chose to kill herself.
I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach and knocked all the wind out of me. I remember pacing from my kitchen to the living room and back, over and over, as I talked on the phone. I asked for more details, I tried to understand.
My dad explained that she had been missing for several days and that only today they found her car parked at a campsite on Mt. Diablo and found her body in a nearby ravine, full of pills and alcohol; she had left the can of Drano in the car. She had smoked several cigarettes while she was waiting for it all to take effect.
I remember that my dad asked if there was anything he could do for me. I couldn't even imagine what. He was a couple hours away and I was alone in my apartment with my knees giving away. I called a friend of mine who drove 45 minutes to see me and my roommate unexpectedly came home that evening.
I sobbed and sobbed. I don't remember any of the conversation that night. I don't remember going to bed. I don't remember my thoughts about it all.
I just remember that 10 years ago today, my life was changed.
30 May 2009
invisible
Sometimes I wonder why I have this desire to feel invisible. I wonder why I want to disappear.
I have this really strong urge to yell and scream right now, I have this deep feeling of being unwanted & unloved. Being a burden and being in the way. To avoid all of those feelings, I want to become invisible, make myself disappear.
I think something I feel like I am treated as though I am invisible and I wish my abilities allowed me to match the outside with the inside. As in, if the people that I care about consistently communicate that they don't want me around, I would rather not be around. I would rather find a way to not be there at all. If those that I seek approval from turn and look the other way, I don't seem to learn not to seek approval, I find myself growing in pain and hurt.
My heart seems to be crushed over and over wanting so badly to be wanted and feeling over and over the rejection of reality. When will ever learn to stop hoping for something different?
I have this really strong urge to yell and scream right now, I have this deep feeling of being unwanted & unloved. Being a burden and being in the way. To avoid all of those feelings, I want to become invisible, make myself disappear.
I think something I feel like I am treated as though I am invisible and I wish my abilities allowed me to match the outside with the inside. As in, if the people that I care about consistently communicate that they don't want me around, I would rather not be around. I would rather find a way to not be there at all. If those that I seek approval from turn and look the other way, I don't seem to learn not to seek approval, I find myself growing in pain and hurt.
My heart seems to be crushed over and over wanting so badly to be wanted and feeling over and over the rejection of reality. When will ever learn to stop hoping for something different?
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