ten years ago...

Ten years ago today, I got a call I never would have imagined. Ten years ago today, the news shocked me to the point of me collapsing to the floor. Ten years ago today, I lost someone I cared about deeply.

I spent Memorial Day at a BBQ in the park with a group of friends. After the BBQ was over, I visited some friends in their home, just to say hello. I cannot remember how long I stayed or what we talked about. But afterwards, I drove home alone.

The light was blinking on the machine. I had a message or two. One was from my father, asking me to call him. He had bad news to share. Truthfully, I couldn't even fathom what kind of news he was ready to tell me. If I would have known, maybe I would never have called.

I returned the call only to find out that my stepmom Laura had died that day. I imagined a car accident where cars spun out of control or another sort of accident which may have instantly taken her life. But, I would not have imagined that when I asked how he would have hesitated to tell me. He said that she took her own life. The nice way to say that she chose to kill herself.

I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach and knocked all the wind out of me. I remember pacing from my kitchen to the living room and back, over and over, as I talked on the phone. I asked for more details, I tried to understand.

My dad explained that she had been missing for several days and that only today they found her car parked at a campsite on Mt. Diablo and found her body in a nearby ravine, full of pills and alcohol; she had left the can of Drano in the car. She had smoked several cigarettes while she was waiting for it all to take effect.

I remember that my dad asked if there was anything he could do for me. I couldn't even imagine what. He was a couple hours away and I was alone in my apartment with my knees giving away. I called a friend of mine who drove 45 minutes to see me and my roommate unexpectedly came home that evening.

I sobbed and sobbed. I don't remember any of the conversation that night. I don't remember going to bed. I don't remember my thoughts about it all.

I just remember that 10 years ago today, my life was changed.

the storm

I realized, through the power of my own words, that the storm is inside of me.

I was struggling with a lot of things yesterday. My friends returned earlier that I had expected and I felt a bit like a failure for not having finished cleaning, packing, and clearing out of the room. Then there was a bit of family time over melon and popcorn. During that time, I felt like an observer. One person had been added to the table and it seemed to change everything and nothing at all. I watched as the interactions happened and realized that I had no real idea of how to participate or be involved in the conversation.

My family was never like that. There was always tension. It was always serious. We really didn't laugh or even smile together. Suddenly, I was sad, envious, frustrated all at the same time. Once again, I wanted to crawl into a hole and just not ever come out. I heard everything as a reminder of all I didn't have, all I wished that could have been.

As I was writing some of these things to a friend, I was answering a question and it truly dawned on me that it wasn't that the circumstances and people around me that were making me feel all of these things. It was the very storm inside of me. I was making me feel these things. The storm inside me was making me feel these things.

It is sort of relieving to think that it is not about where I am or who I am around that pushes me to that point. It really does have to do more with the climate inside me, if the storm is raging or the sun is shining. So now my million dollar question is how do I get that storm which currently resides inside of me, out of me? How does the storm get out?

every three months

My past year has been hard. Sure years before that were hard with legal issues, crazy people and safety concerns. But, I think I have sense of stability when I have a place to call home. But this past year has been riddled with moving to and fro, here and there.

Last August I returned to the states in order to get a better perspective on things that were going on Peru. I booked a ticket for one month and wound up staying three. It just took me that long to make some of the decisions I needed to make.

I returned to Peru in November, part of me knowing I would be moving back to the US and another part of me begging to stay in Peru. I waited and listened to God and knew that my time in Peru was coming to a close. It was hard to pack up six years of my life in order to move back, but it was time and it had to be done.

I arrived in February back in the states and was graciously taken in by a family to stay without even really discussing the terms and conditions of my stay with them. Throughout this time, I have worried almost daily about being in the way, being a burden and just not being wanted. No, I haven't said those things to them, they just float through my mind and heart constantly.

Now, because of things that are changing at this family's house, I need to find someplace else to move to. It really didn't come as a surprise to hear it. I am not mad at them or myself. But, most definitely my eyes quickly filled with tears and I held them back as much as possible. As soon as I could, I took refuge in my room where I could begin to take some action. Although they say it is not urgent, I feel the urgency because these changes are about to occur this week. I really don't know where to go, but I feel the need to figure it out.

It is really hard for me to trust God when I am hurting. Too many times, I have suffered pains of the heart and I have just had to deal with them. Alone. So to trust that God is going to lead me to a room, a family, somewhere to stay is hard for me to believe. Someone encourages me to let people care about me. For me it is not an issue of someone caring about me, it is an issue of where I will lay my head. Now what? Now where?

I want to take action because then I won't feel all that is going on in my heart. I am scared that where I end up will be the wrong place and I will just be uncomfortable the entire time. I am scared that I will emotionally pull away from the family where I am currently staying and hurt the friendships I have with them. I am scared of where I will go from there. I feel like I cannot ask too much of any one family, so asking for a room over the summer is plenty. But then August comes and what do I do?

This makes me face the reality that daily I crave to walk into my apartment in Peru, to be in my kitchen the size of a closet, to hear the crazy noises of my neighbors and the street vendors and the like. I want to have a place that is my own again. I feel like I am living in such a way right now that I cannot settle in. I lived with the question of what do I do next for far too long. I hate feeling that at any time, I will have to make another move.

My heart is tired of trying to adjust to all these changes. This is where I come back to this feeling of wanting to just pack up my car and disappear. I just don't want to be anyone's burden. Heck, I don't know what to do with me, why should anyone else be pulled into that question along with me? I already know my patterns...I want to numb all of these feelings and go into hiding. The opposite of all of that is to not numb anything and stay in the open. But you know, for me that is scary.

happened again

Well, it kinda happened again. But in a different way. Since early this morning, I have been wrestling with "feeling" okay. It includes the thoughts of I don't belong, I am not wanted, I am in the way and sends me down a path I really don't desire to be on. I wind up really missing Peru and thinking about the things I need to do to just get myself back there. I worry that others around me are uncomfortable around me and that makes me want to hide, but when I hide, people are uncomfortable. I feel like I can't win.

Okay, so this afternoon...lots of people, most of whom are heading somewhere together...part of me wants to stay, part of me wants to go. I debate mentally instead of respond physically. One of the other gals encourages me to go and I mentally sway to the side of going. I run to change my shoes and hear the front door close. I was still decided to participate, to be social. Then once I stepped out the door and down the first few steps, it hit me...which car will I go in? Of course, I wouldn't want to arrive alone; I would want to go with others. But I don't have the courage or confidence to ask. So...I turned around and came back inside.

Mind you, I don't feel defeated. I went in and cleaned the kitchen, made some coffee and enjoyed some time alone. I am totally okay with that and truthfully don't feel left out or unwanted. But I do feel disappointed in myself. Disappointed that I didn't take a few more steps in order to make myself part of the others. Disappointed that my fears control me. Disappointed that I just don't know how to do this; this being interact with others in a positive and healthy way.

Then it just makes me mad. Mad because I realize that all that time as a little girl that I was supposed to learn these things was spent dealing with my fighting parents and using up all my effort to do everything perfectly. Mad because I feel like such a little girl when it comes to these things. Mad because I don't know what to do in these situations; who can I turn to? Mad because this is not what I want to be facing in life. Mad because I wish I was past this growing and learning stage; I wish these things were already learned.

I am not really sure where to turn with all of these thoughts and feelings. And that kind of frustrates me as well. Anyway...it happened again. I acted like a little girl.

caught

So, I feel like I need counseling before I feel like I can start "real life." But I need to start real life to have the money for counseling. Seems that I am caught in a never-ending cyclical problem.

Any thoughts?

chosen

I am reading through Job. Is that telling? Fitting? Crazy? I am not sure, but I had tried to follow a reading through the Bible in a year type thing and although I let e few weeks go by without following it, I decided to get back on the bandwagon. So, I am in Job right now and thankfully, I am almost done.

A few things have stood out to me. But, I wanted to highlight that as I started in on Job 30 yesterday, I was struck by the fact that Job had become the "butt of the joke." Because of his losses and "misfortune" he was now mocked, spit on, taunted and so on. Why did this stand out to me? Because those around him were responding to his external state. They saw the losses, they saw the boils and suddenly he became the lowly, the rejected. Their mocking and taunting really had nothing to do with Job's character or his heart. They responded merely to what they could see externally.

It is too bad that people respond to externals rather than what is inside. Too often, we see someone and based on what we can visually assess, we judge them. Judgment is wrong. Basing things on externals is wrong. Oh, but it happens.

If we look back in the first few chapters of Job, we find that the things that happened to him were not as a result of sin. Satan was roaming the earth and when he reported himself in the presence of God, God offered Job as an idea. God OFFERED Job. That was a reality check for me! Satan didn't just choose Job and God gave permission. God offered Job to satan as a person who could lose everything and not sin, not dishonor God.

I guess what strikes me then is that by chapter 30, the people are mocking him based on what they see. However we know (Job didn't at the time) that God had chosen & offered Job to Satan to go through all of this as a testimony of Job's faithfulness to God. How many times do we see trials as a result of sin? In Peru, it was all too common for others to see something go wrong and immediately assume it was judgment from God on that person's sin.

Have we ever looked at someone's life, seen them walk through trials and thought, wow...how lucky...they were chosen by God to be a testimony to Him. How many times do we encourage those going through trials in that way? It sure is easy to make judgment on what we see. But next time, when you see someone going through a difficult season, trials and tribulations, remember that God may have chosen them to be a testimony of His greatness. Encourage your brother or your sister in that way.

This is not to say that in moments of grief in their life, you walk up and pat them on the back and say "Lucky you!" but gently remind them that they go through things only by God's permission and sometimes by God's suggestion. Those times are opportunities to trust Him in a greater way. Encourage your hurting friend to recount God's faithfulness even in difficult times. Don't mock, spit upon or taunt them.

Lessons In Waiting

Although I was not actually in Lima to feel the earthquake that shook Peru last week, I did feel some of its effects as we traveled from the jungle back to Lima. Instead of a simple 12 hour bus ride, at about 4am, our bus was detained. I stuck my head out the window into the bitter cold and the dark of the madrugada. Once I saw a man who worked for the bus line I asked why we (along with all the rest) were stopped. "No hay pase!" He said the earthquake had caused some rocks to fall which were being cleaned up and implied we would be on our way soon. When the bus began to move within just a few minutes I was relieved...until we stopped again in just a few miles.

The next SEVENTEEN hours were more of the same: stopping, going for a few meters, stopping again. We got off the bus to look around and stretch our legs and ate granola bars to our hearts content. Through those hours, we passed by many small rock slides and after 17 hours got to the main landslide which was said to have been a mountain which had slipped from its heights. They had tried to clean it for a good portion of the day but reoccurring aftershocks were said to cause a continual flow of falling rocks. By the time we drove through it, they had partially cleaned one lane for the miles and miles and miles of traffic to flow through.

As someone who has lived in Peru a number of years now, I have learned not to become to ruffled by circumstances that are beyond my control. Me being upset would not make the workers clean faster, the bus driver drive more aggressively or food appear out of the sky. I watched the US team that was with us and they were troopers right along with us. By the end of this adventure, I realized that they now can comprehend the way of life here a bit better. I told them that they can pray for us in a new way now that they have experienced not only the joys of ministry but also the difficulties.

When you pray for the missionaries you support, don't just pray for their fruitful ministry and happy heart...pray for them as they face a way of life that is very different than yours. This very way of life can cause stress and discomfort if one does not adapt. Pray for missionaries to adapt to their country of ministry so that they might be even more effective.

We are not in control. God is.

Learn to Lose?

"In America, we teach people how to acquire things, but we don't teach how to lose them,"

Bishop F. Josephus Johnson II said. Johnson is the senior pastor of The House of the Lord in Akron Ohio. This church is home to Patty Porter, mother of Jesse Marie Davis, the pregnant 26-year-old Lake Township, Ohio, woman whose body was found June 23, 10 days after she disappeared.

I was struck by this comment. At times I experience the clash between wanting to acquire and seeing the benefit in losing things. Even in the last few days I have seen that play out. I returned from the jungle with over 30 pounds of fruit including plantains, carambola, jungle mandarins and oranges. When I asked my friends what they did with their large containers of fruit, one admitted that while her family was consuming it, her mom was also giving it away bit by bit to visitors. Yesterday, someone visited and brought even more fruit! I have had the opportunity to give some away to people that visit my house and for whatever reason I could not.

I realize that fruit has no comparison with a life and that my giving away would be completely voluntary while so many people lose things involuntarily. But I am struck by the reality that Americans in general live to acquire more and must learn how to lose in order to be healthy, sane humans.

I was drawn back to the article I found on cnn.com and read it out loud to those at my house (translated into Spanish of course!).

The reality, Johnson said, is that life amounts to an unending series of losses. "From the moment that we come out of our mother's womb, there's a loss. There's a loss of connection. ... And then all along, we lose as we grow up. We lose friends, we change grades, we lose toys, we lose pets. ... As you get into later life, we lose hair, we lose strength. ... So life can be viewed as a series of losses, but yet America is much more concerned about what we acquire than it is about what we lose."

As a result, well-meaning people often make unhelpful remarks to grieving people.

"One of the things we say a lot is, 'Time will heal all wounds.' And time really does not heal anything," Johnson said. "We give the example in Grief Recovery that if we believe time heals things, then when you get a flat tire, just go out and get a chair and sit by it and see whether the flat fixes itself. It's not going to do that. You have to make informed decisions and choices in order to be able to heal certain things."

Part of the problem, he said, is that Americans tend to try to work through things intellectually rather than emotionally.

"When you have an event that brings emotional loss, you cannot think your way through that, you have to feel your way through it. It's like going into a dark room: You can't think your way through that room, you have to put your hands out and feel your way through it."

And although he says we often bring grief upon ourselves by making poor decisions that have bad consequences, Johnson acknowledges that bad things happen to good people.

"The redeeming factor is that God is going to redeem the world one day, and nothing that happens to us in this life is final in terms of where we're going to spend eternity," he said.

"God will redeem those things. He will one day right every wrong. But in the meantime, we are facing still some of the things that are going on because in the fall, the devil himself, now understanding that he is not going to win, is more active than he has ever been."

The Things Above

It is amazing how often we allow our circumstances to rob us of our perspective. Things begin to happen in our life and we focus on the "things." We worry about money, we worry about people, we worry about the future and so many times we worry about ourselves.

So many times, we begin to define God through the particular set of circumstances we are currently facing. If we are facing loss, we choose to see God as someone who takes away. If we are facing difficulties, we may see Him as One who doesn't care. And even as we experience good times and blessings, we may take the perspective that God loves us more than at other times.

We cannot allow our circumstances to define who God is. We must allow God to define our circumstances. It is as though no matter what is set before us, we must see it through God's perspective in order to understand it.

It would be easy for me to take an earthly perspective and be crushed in the midst of difficulties. But, what I must see is how God is using those very situations to form and mold me. How can I do this?

I was reminded of this as I walked through the downtown of Buenos Aires. To see the true beauty, so many times I had to look up. Oh, the building were beautiful at eye level. But people went through the trouble of designing architecture that was not only beautiful at eye level but it drew your attention upward.

Our life circumstances should do the same. We should not only focus on what we see at eye level but should allow those very things to force our gaze upward. God has not randomly selected things for us to go through and grow through. He has us each individually in mind when He orchestrates our lives.

Allow whatever you are going through to force your gaze upward. See the beauty through God's perspective. Realize the God-designed details when you look heavenward.

Impression or Impact?

Not long ago, I visited the sand dunes of Ica. I found them intriguing and fascinating. A group of us climbed to the top of one of the dunes and I went crazy with the camera. The line of sand as one side meets the other was never erased. The wind blew; people could try and stamp it out. But, the fact was, the line of the dune was always maintained by nature. After a great deal of time, and many photos, we ventured back down. Some returned straight down the sand dune and some took the planned path around the side.

After we all arrived at the bottom, it was amazing to look back up to the top and consider that we had just been up there. However, you would never know it if you were looking for evidence. The marks our feet or shoes had made were quickly filled in with sand, rapidly blown away by the wind and simply leveled out by others.

How often does this describe our life? We cross the paths of others, we have possibilities to speak into the lives of those around us, and constantly God gives us opportunities to minister to people. But…what do we do with those opportunities and possibilities? Do we make an impression or an impact?

We left many impressions as we walked on the sand dunes that day. What is an impression? Merriam Webster describes it as “a characteristic, trait, or feature resulting from some influence,” as well as “an often indistinct or imprecise notion or remembrance.” We may be considered a good influence or someone that others remember. But is that enough? Is that what we are called to do?

I believe God desires to use our lives to make an impact in the world around us. This is defined by “a significant or major effect,” or “to have a direct effect on.” I find it interesting that some of the synonyms listed include: shock, collision, and concussion. Have you ever considered that your life should cause a shock to others? Do you think that God wants you to cause significant or major changes?

What do we do when we see wet cement? Almost always, the temptation comes over us to step in it, write in it or somehow “make our mark.” We want to leave something that will last and as the wet cement dries, our mark becomes permanent. When others pass by that spot, they will forever see what we have left there.

We can easily walk through life and leave a “footprint.” But, these sand dunes reminded me that if I am not careful, I will only leave an impression that could easily be erased by whatever comes along next. That is not my desire. I do not desire to climb the mountains of life only to look back and wonder where it is I have walked. I do not desire to cross the paths of many people only to look back and see that my interaction with them marked nothing but the surface.

As Christians, we have a responsibility to make an impact and not just an impression. We must see people and situations as wet cement and be led by that same overwhelming desire to create a permanent mark. As opportunities arise, we must make an IMPACT so that our encounter with another is not easily erased.

Make it a goal in 2007 to use every opportunity, every possibility and every encounter to make an IMPACT and not just a good impression.

Peace in the Storm

Storms can be very destructive. I have read lately about rain storms flooding the Aceh Province of Indonesia, displacing hundreds of thousands, killing more than a hundred and requiring aid for thousands. The blizzard in Denver, Colorado essentially shut down the city and they are bracing themselves for yet another snow storm this weekend. The Bay Area reported storms so fierce that electricity is out for tens of thousands and a woman became the victim to a toppled tree. Even here in Peru, some desert regions have been hit by storms causing ancient mud ruins to be saturated with water.

The disciples of Jesus were also affected by storms. After a great deal of teaching, Jesus led his disciples onto a boat with the intention of crossing the Sea of Galilee. As the fierce winds rose and water began to fill up the boat, these men likely drew on their knowledge of the stormy seas; many of them were fishermen by trade. Once they had depleted their own resources, they called upon Jesus, who was sleeping! How did Jesus respond to the disciples' news that they were perishing at the hands of the wind and rain? Jesus simply declared peace over the storm. He rebuked the winds and told the sea to be still.

We have storms in our lives. They may not be brought on by wind and rain, but their effects can be just as destructive. What is our response to life's storms? Often times, we react just as the disciples did that evening on the Sea of Galilee. We draw upon our knowledge, our experience and our very own resources to save ourselves. Once we realize that it is not within our power, we call out to Jesus. Could we respond differently?

Jesus was able to speak peace over the wind and sea because He had peace within Him. He did not allow the storm to enter Him. In contrast, the disciples were affected inwardly by the storm around them. They cried out to Jesus in desperation, "Save us, we are perishing!" The storm entered into the disciples and they were not filled with peace in order to calm the storm.

What storms are you facing? What storms am I facing? You and I must be committed to maintaining peace within our heart. We must not allow the storms to get inside of us, but we must cultivate the peace of God within our hearts which allows us to speak peace over the storms in our life. Although the storms will bring external destruction and chaos, our hearts must be full of reassuring peace.

"Peace be still."

Pain

"The pure truth, spoken in pure love, will always attract. You will remember the pain you feel here, and it will help you through the rest of your life. Pain is good; it shows you where there is a problem. Do not try to reduce the pain until you find the problem. God's truth often brings pain as it highlights a problem that we have, but His truth will always show us the way to freedom, too. When you know this you will even begin to rejoice in your trials, which are all allowed to help keep you on the path of life." (from The Final Quest by Rick Joyner)