stuck

I feel uncomfortable in my environment. Not because my environment is making me uncomfortable but because that storm has taken residence in my heart. So instead of being among others, I find it easier to hide and avoid how I feel since I cannot seem to numb how I feel. I know these are not the right steps to take to deal with my issues.

These are the moments when I feel like a little girl and I just wish someone would reach out to me and help me to process what is in my heart. I simply cannot deal with it, don't know how to deal with it and I need help. Yet, the road to seek help is the hardest on for me to walk on.

What do I need right now? To just be heard. To be able to share what is going on in my head, to be heard and to still be loved and accepted. And I hate that I need anything from anybody. I wish I could deal with all of this on my own. I know that I can't, but still I try.

I am mad that I even have to face these things at all. I am mad that there is so much hurt inside me that it hurts to even just get it out. I am mad that I cannot face things once and be over them. I am mad that I had to just learn to deal with things alone; that it is the only way I know.

When will all of these things inside of me be healed? When will I feel whole?

fine

That is my answer for everything. Whether I am upset, angry, hurt, mad, whatever...I will always say that I am fine. I have no other response. It means nothing really. It means ask again in a different way. Why can't I just be straight with people. When I am hurt, say I am hurt. When I am mad, say that I am mad. When I am ticked off, say so. When I am sad, express it. And on and on. Why is everything fine? Why don't I own how I feel?

How are you? I'm fine.

every three months

My past year has been hard. Sure years before that were hard with legal issues, crazy people and safety concerns. But, I think I have sense of stability when I have a place to call home. But this past year has been riddled with moving to and fro, here and there.

Last August I returned to the states in order to get a better perspective on things that were going on Peru. I booked a ticket for one month and wound up staying three. It just took me that long to make some of the decisions I needed to make.

I returned to Peru in November, part of me knowing I would be moving back to the US and another part of me begging to stay in Peru. I waited and listened to God and knew that my time in Peru was coming to a close. It was hard to pack up six years of my life in order to move back, but it was time and it had to be done.

I arrived in February back in the states and was graciously taken in by a family to stay without even really discussing the terms and conditions of my stay with them. Throughout this time, I have worried almost daily about being in the way, being a burden and just not being wanted. No, I haven't said those things to them, they just float through my mind and heart constantly.

Now, because of things that are changing at this family's house, I need to find someplace else to move to. It really didn't come as a surprise to hear it. I am not mad at them or myself. But, most definitely my eyes quickly filled with tears and I held them back as much as possible. As soon as I could, I took refuge in my room where I could begin to take some action. Although they say it is not urgent, I feel the urgency because these changes are about to occur this week. I really don't know where to go, but I feel the need to figure it out.

It is really hard for me to trust God when I am hurting. Too many times, I have suffered pains of the heart and I have just had to deal with them. Alone. So to trust that God is going to lead me to a room, a family, somewhere to stay is hard for me to believe. Someone encourages me to let people care about me. For me it is not an issue of someone caring about me, it is an issue of where I will lay my head. Now what? Now where?

I want to take action because then I won't feel all that is going on in my heart. I am scared that where I end up will be the wrong place and I will just be uncomfortable the entire time. I am scared that I will emotionally pull away from the family where I am currently staying and hurt the friendships I have with them. I am scared of where I will go from there. I feel like I cannot ask too much of any one family, so asking for a room over the summer is plenty. But then August comes and what do I do?

This makes me face the reality that daily I crave to walk into my apartment in Peru, to be in my kitchen the size of a closet, to hear the crazy noises of my neighbors and the street vendors and the like. I want to have a place that is my own again. I feel like I am living in such a way right now that I cannot settle in. I lived with the question of what do I do next for far too long. I hate feeling that at any time, I will have to make another move.

My heart is tired of trying to adjust to all these changes. This is where I come back to this feeling of wanting to just pack up my car and disappear. I just don't want to be anyone's burden. Heck, I don't know what to do with me, why should anyone else be pulled into that question along with me? I already know my patterns...I want to numb all of these feelings and go into hiding. The opposite of all of that is to not numb anything and stay in the open. But you know, for me that is scary.

numbing

Many years ago, my parents would fight. Every day. Every hour. I had no siblings. No neighborhood friends. No school friends who were close to me. I was young. The only way to survive it was to numb myself to the pain I felt constantly as words sliced deeper than knives and holes were left in walls just like in my heart.

Those times scared me and worried me. I had no idea what to do with that fear and anxiety. My parents were too busy dealing with one another to listen to my heart. So day by day, my heart had to grow a little more numb. I know that some people do this through alcohol or drugs. It seems that I mastered the way to numbing my feelings without any additional substances. I learned how to shut things off. Completely.

So now, I start to feel again. Yet all of this pain seems to well up inside me constantly. But my reality is that this pain is exactly the reason I learned to avoid my feelings. I have no desire to feel all of this pain and hurt again. I wanted it all to go away before and yet it still comes back to haunt me.

It is there. Buried inside. I cannot say buried deep because it feels like it is right on the surface. And I hate that. So if it can't be numbed anymore, I can't help but want to pack myself into my car and drive away. To try to leave all the pain behind once again. If I can't bury it inside, I guess I would like to escape it somehow. Good things drugs and alcohol don't appeal to me otherwise I would be a prime candidate for use.

Anyway, as long as I am being real, this is just where my heart is. Painfully exposed.

happened again

Well, it kinda happened again. But in a different way. Since early this morning, I have been wrestling with "feeling" okay. It includes the thoughts of I don't belong, I am not wanted, I am in the way and sends me down a path I really don't desire to be on. I wind up really missing Peru and thinking about the things I need to do to just get myself back there. I worry that others around me are uncomfortable around me and that makes me want to hide, but when I hide, people are uncomfortable. I feel like I can't win.

Okay, so this afternoon...lots of people, most of whom are heading somewhere together...part of me wants to stay, part of me wants to go. I debate mentally instead of respond physically. One of the other gals encourages me to go and I mentally sway to the side of going. I run to change my shoes and hear the front door close. I was still decided to participate, to be social. Then once I stepped out the door and down the first few steps, it hit me...which car will I go in? Of course, I wouldn't want to arrive alone; I would want to go with others. But I don't have the courage or confidence to ask. So...I turned around and came back inside.

Mind you, I don't feel defeated. I went in and cleaned the kitchen, made some coffee and enjoyed some time alone. I am totally okay with that and truthfully don't feel left out or unwanted. But I do feel disappointed in myself. Disappointed that I didn't take a few more steps in order to make myself part of the others. Disappointed that my fears control me. Disappointed that I just don't know how to do this; this being interact with others in a positive and healthy way.

Then it just makes me mad. Mad because I realize that all that time as a little girl that I was supposed to learn these things was spent dealing with my fighting parents and using up all my effort to do everything perfectly. Mad because I feel like such a little girl when it comes to these things. Mad because I don't know what to do in these situations; who can I turn to? Mad because this is not what I want to be facing in life. Mad because I wish I was past this growing and learning stage; I wish these things were already learned.

I am not really sure where to turn with all of these thoughts and feelings. And that kind of frustrates me as well. Anyway...it happened again. I acted like a little girl.

problem

I have a problem.

You see, when I was younger, my parents fought a lot. There was yelling, slamming of doors, punching of walls, throwing things and constant tension. It was hard to live in the midst of. If I was in the room when the tension began to rise, I either left or was told to go and clean my room. Bottom line was I was not allowed to be in the midst of it and I never saw the resolution of it. The tension and fighting continued until the end of my parents marriage. And then some.

My bedroom became my escape. It was sort of my safe place. I had bunk beds in my room and when my parents got their loudest, I chose to hide the furthest away possible - under the bottom bunk. I had no where else to go and no one else to turn to. I had questions, I was scared and felt alone. I hid to try to get away from the tension, to avoid the fighting. I could not resolve it and I couldn't escape it; so I hid from it. Or better said, I hid it all in my heart.

This seemed to work for so many years. When there was a problem I ran from it. I hid from it. I isolated myself in order to feel in control of my environment. I still fear things getting out of control all around me and when they do, I still find myself running for my room and trying to hide. I hide physically, to some extent.

But worse, I hide emotionally. I am terrified of "coming out from under the bed." I have no idea who I can trust and who can keep me safe. When I sense that someone is upset, I withdraw. I want to take away my presence hoping that will solve the problem. I have this crazy mixed up lie in my head that my presence is the problem. If I can hide far enough away, maybe that will fix things and relieve people.

I would like to see this be different. However, I really don't know how to make a change. I want desperately to run and hide from things, from people. And at the same time, I long for my heart to be known. I don't know how to make this work. I guess I just wish I knew what it is I was supposed to do. Am I supposed to call someone? I don't want to bother anyone. Am I supposed to tell people what is going on in my heart? What if they don't care? Am I supposed to share the lies that are going on in my mind? What if they listen and know what they are? Simply, I don't know what to do with this. I don't know how to stop.

It almost sounds like an addiction. Like I am addicted to isolation. It is what brings me comfort to some extent. And I don't know how to stop. I thought about that thru much of the day today. Someone that is addicted to something very well may try to put a stop to it but it feels impossible. I do need a "sponsor" of sorts who I know I can just call and talk to no matter how crazy I sound. I need to hear someone else's version of this.

I don't know. I just want to stop the madness. I want to learn a different way. And I guess at the same time, I am terrified that I will not be able to change.