Sometimes I wonder why I have this desire to feel invisible. I wonder why I want to disappear.
I have this really strong urge to yell and scream right now, I have this deep feeling of being unwanted & unloved. Being a burden and being in the way. To avoid all of those feelings, I want to become invisible, make myself disappear.
I think something I feel like I am treated as though I am invisible and I wish my abilities allowed me to match the outside with the inside. As in, if the people that I care about consistently communicate that they don't want me around, I would rather not be around. I would rather find a way to not be there at all. If those that I seek approval from turn and look the other way, I don't seem to learn not to seek approval, I find myself growing in pain and hurt.
My heart seems to be crushed over and over wanting so badly to be wanted and feeling over and over the rejection of reality. When will ever learn to stop hoping for something different?
Showing posts with label heart. Show all posts
Showing posts with label heart. Show all posts
30 May 2009
28 May 2009
unwanted
Today, I am feeling unwanted. Surely there is a series of things that lead me to think, feel and even believe this.
I need to move out of the place I am living. I was told that almost 10 days ago. I have no where to go and no idea where to even look. The very fact that I am still here allows the feeling of guilt to creep in and take root. I feel bad that I am taking up space, taking up attention and simply have not yet moved on from here.
My family has hardly contacted me. Supposedly there was a lot of excitement that I was returning to the states. Somehow that excitement must have meant, we are really excited that you are not only moving back to the states but that now you will make every effort to be part of our lives, not the other way around. I feel frustrated and hurt that I have to be the one to coordinate visiting them and coordinate all of their schedules. I wish they would have made the effort to come and see me or the effort to plan something that I could go down to. But instead, there is this feeling of we are content without you, fit in if you find a place. Again, unwanted.
There are so many other facets of my life right now where if I weren't around, it feels as though it would not matter. As if people wouldn't really care if I were here or not. That, for me, is an awful feeling.
I think there are lots of situations throughout my life that I have just felt unwanted, discarded, and in the way. With friends and with family. Literally, I could write and write and write all the moments at home, at school and so many other places where I just felt less than, felt unwanted and not cared for.
So what am I to do about it? How do I get past that? Yes, I long to express that to someone, to be heard and still accepted. How can I grieve that feeling and instead replace it with something else? Where does it come from?
What do I do when these present situations trigger past feelings? How do I press through them? How do I grieve them? How do I grow from them?
I need to move out of the place I am living. I was told that almost 10 days ago. I have no where to go and no idea where to even look. The very fact that I am still here allows the feeling of guilt to creep in and take root. I feel bad that I am taking up space, taking up attention and simply have not yet moved on from here.
My family has hardly contacted me. Supposedly there was a lot of excitement that I was returning to the states. Somehow that excitement must have meant, we are really excited that you are not only moving back to the states but that now you will make every effort to be part of our lives, not the other way around. I feel frustrated and hurt that I have to be the one to coordinate visiting them and coordinate all of their schedules. I wish they would have made the effort to come and see me or the effort to plan something that I could go down to. But instead, there is this feeling of we are content without you, fit in if you find a place. Again, unwanted.
There are so many other facets of my life right now where if I weren't around, it feels as though it would not matter. As if people wouldn't really care if I were here or not. That, for me, is an awful feeling.
I think there are lots of situations throughout my life that I have just felt unwanted, discarded, and in the way. With friends and with family. Literally, I could write and write and write all the moments at home, at school and so many other places where I just felt less than, felt unwanted and not cared for.
So what am I to do about it? How do I get past that? Yes, I long to express that to someone, to be heard and still accepted. How can I grieve that feeling and instead replace it with something else? Where does it come from?
What do I do when these present situations trigger past feelings? How do I press through them? How do I grieve them? How do I grow from them?
24 May 2009
stuck
I feel uncomfortable in my environment. Not because my environment is making me uncomfortable but because that storm has taken residence in my heart. So instead of being among others, I find it easier to hide and avoid how I feel since I cannot seem to numb how I feel. I know these are not the right steps to take to deal with my issues.
These are the moments when I feel like a little girl and I just wish someone would reach out to me and help me to process what is in my heart. I simply cannot deal with it, don't know how to deal with it and I need help. Yet, the road to seek help is the hardest on for me to walk on.
What do I need right now? To just be heard. To be able to share what is going on in my head, to be heard and to still be loved and accepted. And I hate that I need anything from anybody. I wish I could deal with all of this on my own. I know that I can't, but still I try.
I am mad that I even have to face these things at all. I am mad that there is so much hurt inside me that it hurts to even just get it out. I am mad that I cannot face things once and be over them. I am mad that I had to just learn to deal with things alone; that it is the only way I know.
When will all of these things inside of me be healed? When will I feel whole?
These are the moments when I feel like a little girl and I just wish someone would reach out to me and help me to process what is in my heart. I simply cannot deal with it, don't know how to deal with it and I need help. Yet, the road to seek help is the hardest on for me to walk on.
What do I need right now? To just be heard. To be able to share what is going on in my head, to be heard and to still be loved and accepted. And I hate that I need anything from anybody. I wish I could deal with all of this on my own. I know that I can't, but still I try.
I am mad that I even have to face these things at all. I am mad that there is so much hurt inside me that it hurts to even just get it out. I am mad that I cannot face things once and be over them. I am mad that I had to just learn to deal with things alone; that it is the only way I know.
When will all of these things inside of me be healed? When will I feel whole?
feeling protected
Today, my heart is longing to feel safe and protected. I think about the many times throughout my life which I have simply not felt that way. It seems like I typically felt unsafe and unprotected by others. Those others being people who should have sought to protect me. My childhood was riddled with moments of feeling unsafe and my adulthood is now stained with the same feelings.
So, I have learned through the majority of my experiences that I must take care of myself. I must learn to protect myself. I must make sure I am safe. I can count on no one else to do that for me.
So how do I reconcile that with the reality that God wants to protect me, wants to keep me safe, wants to be my shelter, wants to hide me under His wings. How do I trust that someone else will be there to protect and shelter me? How do I believe that I don't always have to rely on myself? This is hard for me to understand and I am struggling today to not be envious of so many people around me who do in fact have those protectors in life; people who serve to keep them safe.
Why did God allow me so many experiences for me to learn the very opposite of what he truly wants for me to know? This is confusing and so very hard to unlearn.
So, I have learned through the majority of my experiences that I must take care of myself. I must learn to protect myself. I must make sure I am safe. I can count on no one else to do that for me.
So how do I reconcile that with the reality that God wants to protect me, wants to keep me safe, wants to be my shelter, wants to hide me under His wings. How do I trust that someone else will be there to protect and shelter me? How do I believe that I don't always have to rely on myself? This is hard for me to understand and I am struggling today to not be envious of so many people around me who do in fact have those protectors in life; people who serve to keep them safe.
Why did God allow me so many experiences for me to learn the very opposite of what he truly wants for me to know? This is confusing and so very hard to unlearn.
wanting
It truly is amazing how often I have the desire to run. The storm seems to enter my heart and I don't know how to take shelter, so instead it seems easier to hide or run.
Right this minute, my heart is longing for things I never had; that I will likely never have. That hurts and leaves me wanting. I hear affection, I hear love and my heart cries out for the same. For so long, I never considered what I did not have as something I ever wanted. How could you want what you never had? How could you long for that which you did not know? If you knew it was not yours to have, is it foolish to continue to desire it?
Do I step back and consider that only if God places the longing in my heart would I have it there? I want so badly for those longings to be filled. I don't just want to feel the emptiness of them any longer. Again, this is why I so often chose to not feel. I didn't want to want something I couldn't have.
Right this minute, my heart is longing for things I never had; that I will likely never have. That hurts and leaves me wanting. I hear affection, I hear love and my heart cries out for the same. For so long, I never considered what I did not have as something I ever wanted. How could you want what you never had? How could you long for that which you did not know? If you knew it was not yours to have, is it foolish to continue to desire it?
Do I step back and consider that only if God places the longing in my heart would I have it there? I want so badly for those longings to be filled. I don't just want to feel the emptiness of them any longer. Again, this is why I so often chose to not feel. I didn't want to want something I couldn't have.
23 May 2009
the storm
I realized, through the power of my own words, that the storm is inside of me.
I was struggling with a lot of things yesterday. My friends returned earlier that I had expected and I felt a bit like a failure for not having finished cleaning, packing, and clearing out of the room. Then there was a bit of family time over melon and popcorn. During that time, I felt like an observer. One person had been added to the table and it seemed to change everything and nothing at all. I watched as the interactions happened and realized that I had no real idea of how to participate or be involved in the conversation.
My family was never like that. There was always tension. It was always serious. We really didn't laugh or even smile together. Suddenly, I was sad, envious, frustrated all at the same time. Once again, I wanted to crawl into a hole and just not ever come out. I heard everything as a reminder of all I didn't have, all I wished that could have been.
As I was writing some of these things to a friend, I was answering a question and it truly dawned on me that it wasn't that the circumstances and people around me that were making me feel all of these things. It was the very storm inside of me. I was making me feel these things. The storm inside me was making me feel these things.
It is sort of relieving to think that it is not about where I am or who I am around that pushes me to that point. It really does have to do more with the climate inside me, if the storm is raging or the sun is shining. So now my million dollar question is how do I get that storm which currently resides inside of me, out of me? How does the storm get out?
I was struggling with a lot of things yesterday. My friends returned earlier that I had expected and I felt a bit like a failure for not having finished cleaning, packing, and clearing out of the room. Then there was a bit of family time over melon and popcorn. During that time, I felt like an observer. One person had been added to the table and it seemed to change everything and nothing at all. I watched as the interactions happened and realized that I had no real idea of how to participate or be involved in the conversation.
My family was never like that. There was always tension. It was always serious. We really didn't laugh or even smile together. Suddenly, I was sad, envious, frustrated all at the same time. Once again, I wanted to crawl into a hole and just not ever come out. I heard everything as a reminder of all I didn't have, all I wished that could have been.
As I was writing some of these things to a friend, I was answering a question and it truly dawned on me that it wasn't that the circumstances and people around me that were making me feel all of these things. It was the very storm inside of me. I was making me feel these things. The storm inside me was making me feel these things.
It is sort of relieving to think that it is not about where I am or who I am around that pushes me to that point. It really does have to do more with the climate inside me, if the storm is raging or the sun is shining. So now my million dollar question is how do I get that storm which currently resides inside of me, out of me? How does the storm get out?
19 May 2009
every three months
My past year has been hard. Sure years before that were hard with legal issues, crazy people and safety concerns. But, I think I have sense of stability when I have a place to call home. But this past year has been riddled with moving to and fro, here and there.
Last August I returned to the states in order to get a better perspective on things that were going on Peru. I booked a ticket for one month and wound up staying three. It just took me that long to make some of the decisions I needed to make.
I returned to Peru in November, part of me knowing I would be moving back to the US and another part of me begging to stay in Peru. I waited and listened to God and knew that my time in Peru was coming to a close. It was hard to pack up six years of my life in order to move back, but it was time and it had to be done.
I arrived in February back in the states and was graciously taken in by a family to stay without even really discussing the terms and conditions of my stay with them. Throughout this time, I have worried almost daily about being in the way, being a burden and just not being wanted. No, I haven't said those things to them, they just float through my mind and heart constantly.
Now, because of things that are changing at this family's house, I need to find someplace else to move to. It really didn't come as a surprise to hear it. I am not mad at them or myself. But, most definitely my eyes quickly filled with tears and I held them back as much as possible. As soon as I could, I took refuge in my room where I could begin to take some action. Although they say it is not urgent, I feel the urgency because these changes are about to occur this week. I really don't know where to go, but I feel the need to figure it out.
It is really hard for me to trust God when I am hurting. Too many times, I have suffered pains of the heart and I have just had to deal with them. Alone. So to trust that God is going to lead me to a room, a family, somewhere to stay is hard for me to believe. Someone encourages me to let people care about me. For me it is not an issue of someone caring about me, it is an issue of where I will lay my head. Now what? Now where?
I want to take action because then I won't feel all that is going on in my heart. I am scared that where I end up will be the wrong place and I will just be uncomfortable the entire time. I am scared that I will emotionally pull away from the family where I am currently staying and hurt the friendships I have with them. I am scared of where I will go from there. I feel like I cannot ask too much of any one family, so asking for a room over the summer is plenty. But then August comes and what do I do?
This makes me face the reality that daily I crave to walk into my apartment in Peru, to be in my kitchen the size of a closet, to hear the crazy noises of my neighbors and the street vendors and the like. I want to have a place that is my own again. I feel like I am living in such a way right now that I cannot settle in. I lived with the question of what do I do next for far too long. I hate feeling that at any time, I will have to make another move.
My heart is tired of trying to adjust to all these changes. This is where I come back to this feeling of wanting to just pack up my car and disappear. I just don't want to be anyone's burden. Heck, I don't know what to do with me, why should anyone else be pulled into that question along with me? I already know my patterns...I want to numb all of these feelings and go into hiding. The opposite of all of that is to not numb anything and stay in the open. But you know, for me that is scary.
Last August I returned to the states in order to get a better perspective on things that were going on Peru. I booked a ticket for one month and wound up staying three. It just took me that long to make some of the decisions I needed to make.
I returned to Peru in November, part of me knowing I would be moving back to the US and another part of me begging to stay in Peru. I waited and listened to God and knew that my time in Peru was coming to a close. It was hard to pack up six years of my life in order to move back, but it was time and it had to be done.
I arrived in February back in the states and was graciously taken in by a family to stay without even really discussing the terms and conditions of my stay with them. Throughout this time, I have worried almost daily about being in the way, being a burden and just not being wanted. No, I haven't said those things to them, they just float through my mind and heart constantly.
Now, because of things that are changing at this family's house, I need to find someplace else to move to. It really didn't come as a surprise to hear it. I am not mad at them or myself. But, most definitely my eyes quickly filled with tears and I held them back as much as possible. As soon as I could, I took refuge in my room where I could begin to take some action. Although they say it is not urgent, I feel the urgency because these changes are about to occur this week. I really don't know where to go, but I feel the need to figure it out.
It is really hard for me to trust God when I am hurting. Too many times, I have suffered pains of the heart and I have just had to deal with them. Alone. So to trust that God is going to lead me to a room, a family, somewhere to stay is hard for me to believe. Someone encourages me to let people care about me. For me it is not an issue of someone caring about me, it is an issue of where I will lay my head. Now what? Now where?
I want to take action because then I won't feel all that is going on in my heart. I am scared that where I end up will be the wrong place and I will just be uncomfortable the entire time. I am scared that I will emotionally pull away from the family where I am currently staying and hurt the friendships I have with them. I am scared of where I will go from there. I feel like I cannot ask too much of any one family, so asking for a room over the summer is plenty. But then August comes and what do I do?
This makes me face the reality that daily I crave to walk into my apartment in Peru, to be in my kitchen the size of a closet, to hear the crazy noises of my neighbors and the street vendors and the like. I want to have a place that is my own again. I feel like I am living in such a way right now that I cannot settle in. I lived with the question of what do I do next for far too long. I hate feeling that at any time, I will have to make another move.
My heart is tired of trying to adjust to all these changes. This is where I come back to this feeling of wanting to just pack up my car and disappear. I just don't want to be anyone's burden. Heck, I don't know what to do with me, why should anyone else be pulled into that question along with me? I already know my patterns...I want to numb all of these feelings and go into hiding. The opposite of all of that is to not numb anything and stay in the open. But you know, for me that is scary.
17 May 2009
numbing
Many years ago, my parents would fight. Every day. Every hour. I had no siblings. No neighborhood friends. No school friends who were close to me. I was young. The only way to survive it was to numb myself to the pain I felt constantly as words sliced deeper than knives and holes were left in walls just like in my heart.
Those times scared me and worried me. I had no idea what to do with that fear and anxiety. My parents were too busy dealing with one another to listen to my heart. So day by day, my heart had to grow a little more numb. I know that some people do this through alcohol or drugs. It seems that I mastered the way to numbing my feelings without any additional substances. I learned how to shut things off. Completely.
So now, I start to feel again. Yet all of this pain seems to well up inside me constantly. But my reality is that this pain is exactly the reason I learned to avoid my feelings. I have no desire to feel all of this pain and hurt again. I wanted it all to go away before and yet it still comes back to haunt me.
It is there. Buried inside. I cannot say buried deep because it feels like it is right on the surface. And I hate that. So if it can't be numbed anymore, I can't help but want to pack myself into my car and drive away. To try to leave all the pain behind once again. If I can't bury it inside, I guess I would like to escape it somehow. Good things drugs and alcohol don't appeal to me otherwise I would be a prime candidate for use.
Anyway, as long as I am being real, this is just where my heart is. Painfully exposed.
Those times scared me and worried me. I had no idea what to do with that fear and anxiety. My parents were too busy dealing with one another to listen to my heart. So day by day, my heart had to grow a little more numb. I know that some people do this through alcohol or drugs. It seems that I mastered the way to numbing my feelings without any additional substances. I learned how to shut things off. Completely.
So now, I start to feel again. Yet all of this pain seems to well up inside me constantly. But my reality is that this pain is exactly the reason I learned to avoid my feelings. I have no desire to feel all of this pain and hurt again. I wanted it all to go away before and yet it still comes back to haunt me.
It is there. Buried inside. I cannot say buried deep because it feels like it is right on the surface. And I hate that. So if it can't be numbed anymore, I can't help but want to pack myself into my car and drive away. To try to leave all the pain behind once again. If I can't bury it inside, I guess I would like to escape it somehow. Good things drugs and alcohol don't appeal to me otherwise I would be a prime candidate for use.
Anyway, as long as I am being real, this is just where my heart is. Painfully exposed.
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