So, I feel like I need counseling before I feel like I can start "real life." But I need to start real life to have the money for counseling. Seems that I am caught in a never-ending cyclical problem.
Any thoughts?
10 March 2009
09 March 2009
a knock on the door
The other night I was sitting at a friends house and there was a knock on the door. She was expecting more friends to show up. She (and others) yelled from the back of the house "Come In!!!"
I was really caught off guard hearing these yells and the words tumbled from my mouth, "That is so American!" Others heard me and wondered what I was trying to say. To me, it seemed so American, so impersonal, so...rude...to just yell people into the house. No greeting. No effort. No nothing.
I know, this is just the way here. It is not a point of offense but more, it was a surprise. Her friends came in, everyone seemed to greet one another, without the typical kiss on the cheek of course.
Those at the table asked more questions, "Do you always go to the door?" "Is there ever a time that people just walk in the house?" "That isn't common in Peru?" I realized that I had started quite a conversation.
I was really caught off guard hearing these yells and the words tumbled from my mouth, "That is so American!" Others heard me and wondered what I was trying to say. To me, it seemed so American, so impersonal, so...rude...to just yell people into the house. No greeting. No effort. No nothing.
I know, this is just the way here. It is not a point of offense but more, it was a surprise. Her friends came in, everyone seemed to greet one another, without the typical kiss on the cheek of course.
Those at the table asked more questions, "Do you always go to the door?" "Is there ever a time that people just walk in the house?" "That isn't common in Peru?" I realized that I had started quite a conversation.
answer
People everywhere all the time ask why I moved back from Peru. I try to explain that the ministries I was working with had come to an end and it was time for me to return to a place of community. I jumble up all my words in an effort to explain the heartache I have in my heart. I try to convince people that it is for the best while in reality I think I am convincing myself of that very thing.
But, why don't I say it as it is? I am back in the states to stay aligned with God. Simple and sweet, yet oh so true. God showed me months before that I would have satisfaction through obedience. I really must trust His words in that.
Satisfaction Through Obedience...it is what will heal my heart.
But, why don't I say it as it is? I am back in the states to stay aligned with God. Simple and sweet, yet oh so true. God showed me months before that I would have satisfaction through obedience. I really must trust His words in that.
Satisfaction Through Obedience...it is what will heal my heart.
08 March 2009
here
So here I sit, Sunday night, and wonder what this week will bring. I am starting to feel more and more frustrated about life here and trying to figure out how to make it all work. I sense that I should be taking greater strides to make things happen and I cannot seem to get my mind wrapped around what the next step is.
I suppose I wish people cared about me being back here in the states. Too many days, I feel lonely and want to move my life back to Peru. I enjoyed my days there. It felt familiar. I miss the sounds, the people, the traffic, life. Here, it all seems unfamiliar. I am never sure where to turn. I feel as though I don't have anyone to turn to.
Sure there are moments that I enjoy seeing people and talking with them. But that ends. No one seems genuinely interested in my presence here, just in the moment at hand. So, a missionary comes home to visit, and I know there is a sense of needing to connect. A limited time. But here, I sit, without a time limit and cannot seem to make a move.
So, all this to say I am lonely, confused, hurt and want to pack my bags to head back down south.
I suppose I wish people cared about me being back here in the states. Too many days, I feel lonely and want to move my life back to Peru. I enjoyed my days there. It felt familiar. I miss the sounds, the people, the traffic, life. Here, it all seems unfamiliar. I am never sure where to turn. I feel as though I don't have anyone to turn to.
Sure there are moments that I enjoy seeing people and talking with them. But that ends. No one seems genuinely interested in my presence here, just in the moment at hand. So, a missionary comes home to visit, and I know there is a sense of needing to connect. A limited time. But here, I sit, without a time limit and cannot seem to make a move.
So, all this to say I am lonely, confused, hurt and want to pack my bags to head back down south.
03 March 2009
hidden?
Colossians 3:3 speaks of my life being hidden with Christ. The idea of my life being hidden while I can clearly see myself here on earth is a tad confusing. In trying to wrap my mind around what Paul was trying to say, I have come to some sort of idea.
1. We recognize that we have been crucified with Christ (gal 2:20) and subsequently raised up with Christ (col 3:1).
2. Hidden with Christ in God? (col 3:3)
3. We know that Christ will come again, He will be revealed (col 3:4).
4. We have hope that we will be revealed with Him in glory (col 3:4).
But, it is that #2, the step between having been crucified and raised up with Christ and Him coming again that we are presently in. If we are presently in that state of being, shouldn't we try to understand it a bit better?
What does it mean to be hidden with Christ in God?
1. We recognize that we have been crucified with Christ (gal 2:20) and subsequently raised up with Christ (col 3:1).
2. Hidden with Christ in God? (col 3:3)
3. We know that Christ will come again, He will be revealed (col 3:4).
4. We have hope that we will be revealed with Him in glory (col 3:4).
But, it is that #2, the step between having been crucified and raised up with Christ and Him coming again that we are presently in. If we are presently in that state of being, shouldn't we try to understand it a bit better?
What does it mean to be hidden with Christ in God?
perishable
It's funny really that we have such a fear of foods moving past their expiration date. Well, maybe my friend is the exception, I found a box of carrot cake mix that expired in 2002. But perishable items are a little more sketchy, I don't find too many things past their date in the fridge. One or two, but not a few.
A friend of mine, when he lived as a bachelor, held onto all kinds of bottles and cartons well after their time had come. In fact when my roommate and I cleaned out his fridge, there were milk jugs that had expired a year before. On the other hand, I have friends that once they see the date has passed will toss something in the garbage without looking or smelling. Mind you, they may be throwing away good items based on their "sell by" date alone.
I have learned, most things are worth checking out. In Peru, I made the most of most things and if my natural yogurt had an expiration of January, I still used it into February. Of course, I checked it each and every time I was about to pour it in a mixing bowl. You must take care with perishable items. Sooner or later they will perish.
But there are so many things in this life that are perishing and we forget. We hold onto them like my bachelor friend. 1 Peter 1:18-19 acknowledges that silver and gold will perish, unlike the redeeming blood of the lamb, which will not. We look forward to a day when the earth and all its works will be burned up to pave the way for the new heavens and the new earth (2pet 3:10-13). Yet, we continue to build up and store up. For what? To have more to lose in the end?
The pastor on Sunday morning made a quick and interesting statement. He was speaking about things we should focus on - the eternal and not the temporal. He stated that "the temporal will perish." Followed up quickly with, "these church buildings one day will be gone!"
So, sitting there with my mind half American, half Peruvian at this point, I couldn't help but think about the types of churches that I saw all over Peru and the types which I find here in the US. Seems like churches here are getting built up to be bigger and bigger, until the size of the lot is outgrown and a move "must" be made. I was intrigued by a small church in the jungle which had no doors. It had three walls and a roof, but that fourth wall was missing. Sure, it made for some work when they had to connect the lights to the electrical wires. It made for more work to carry the guitar and the offering plate down to the church. But, it was open and inviting. How many US churches these days have locked gates and security guards? What have we turned church into?
Anyways, it struck me that just like the milk that sits in your fridge has an expiration date because it is a perishable item, so the church building looks forward to a day which it will no longer stand. What will are the people inside. Therefore, the people's hearts and souls are *more* important than the building.
So, why is it that churches raise millions of dollars for building campaigns and are cutting back on missionary support?
A friend of mine, when he lived as a bachelor, held onto all kinds of bottles and cartons well after their time had come. In fact when my roommate and I cleaned out his fridge, there were milk jugs that had expired a year before. On the other hand, I have friends that once they see the date has passed will toss something in the garbage without looking or smelling. Mind you, they may be throwing away good items based on their "sell by" date alone.
I have learned, most things are worth checking out. In Peru, I made the most of most things and if my natural yogurt had an expiration of January, I still used it into February. Of course, I checked it each and every time I was about to pour it in a mixing bowl. You must take care with perishable items. Sooner or later they will perish.
But there are so many things in this life that are perishing and we forget. We hold onto them like my bachelor friend. 1 Peter 1:18-19 acknowledges that silver and gold will perish, unlike the redeeming blood of the lamb, which will not. We look forward to a day when the earth and all its works will be burned up to pave the way for the new heavens and the new earth (2pet 3:10-13). Yet, we continue to build up and store up. For what? To have more to lose in the end?
The pastor on Sunday morning made a quick and interesting statement. He was speaking about things we should focus on - the eternal and not the temporal. He stated that "the temporal will perish." Followed up quickly with, "these church buildings one day will be gone!"
So, sitting there with my mind half American, half Peruvian at this point, I couldn't help but think about the types of churches that I saw all over Peru and the types which I find here in the US. Seems like churches here are getting built up to be bigger and bigger, until the size of the lot is outgrown and a move "must" be made. I was intrigued by a small church in the jungle which had no doors. It had three walls and a roof, but that fourth wall was missing. Sure, it made for some work when they had to connect the lights to the electrical wires. It made for more work to carry the guitar and the offering plate down to the church. But, it was open and inviting. How many US churches these days have locked gates and security guards? What have we turned church into?
Anyways, it struck me that just like the milk that sits in your fridge has an expiration date because it is a perishable item, so the church building looks forward to a day which it will no longer stand. What will are the people inside. Therefore, the people's hearts and souls are *more* important than the building.
So, why is it that churches raise millions of dollars for building campaigns and are cutting back on missionary support?
02 March 2009
heavenly places
If we are in the heavenly places with Christ and we are to focus on the heavenly places, wouldn't it be helpful to remind ourselves of what the heavenly places are all about?
*Christ is seated at the right hand of God in the heavenly places (eph 1:20)
*We are seated there also (eph 2:6)
*There are rulers and authorities (eph 3:10)
*Manifest wisdom of God to be made known thru the church to those authorities (eph 3:10)
*Our struggle is against rulers, authorities, powers and spiritual forces in heavenly realms (eph 6:12)
*Imperishable, undefiled, unfading inheritance is reserved in heaven for us (1 pet 1:4)
*Crown of righteousness laid up there for that day (2 tim 4:8)
What else can be added?
*Christ is seated at the right hand of God in the heavenly places (eph 1:20)
*We are seated there also (eph 2:6)
*There are rulers and authorities (eph 3:10)
*Manifest wisdom of God to be made known thru the church to those authorities (eph 3:10)
*Our struggle is against rulers, authorities, powers and spiritual forces in heavenly realms (eph 6:12)
*Imperishable, undefiled, unfading inheritance is reserved in heaven for us (1 pet 1:4)
*Crown of righteousness laid up there for that day (2 tim 4:8)
What else can be added?
focus on where you are
In reading the first few verses of Colossians 3, it is interesting to note that we are called to do a few things as a result of our position in Him.
Our position is having already been raised up with Christ. This is best symbolized with the action of baptism. We are dead to sin and alive in Christ. We have been crucified with Christ and we no longer live but Christ lives in us (Gal 2:20). Raised up with Him and seated in heavenly places, in Christ Jesus (Eph 2:6). Because of the position we have in Christ we are to respond. Because of who Christ is, because of what He has done, because He lives in us, our life should look a certain way. However, we are not to act out of guilt or conform to legalism.
First off, we are to keep seeking the things above. We are to strive to think on heavenly things. When something is lost in your home and you need it, you begin to look for it. But, how long do you look for it? I think the effort you put in to find that lost item is directly proportional to how valuable that item is to you. If you lost, let's say, a piece of paper with a recipe on it, you may look for a few minutes. Maybe you have the option of printing it out again or asking Aunt Sue to write is down one last time. In that case the lost piece of paper is not that valuable. But what if it is the day before you are to board a plane to a foreign country and your passport is nowhere to be found? How long and hard would you search? This would be one of those times that the search would go on until you found what you were looking for. When we are told to keep seeking, we are told to never give up the desperate pursuit of Him who saved us and set us free.
Secondly, we are to set our minds on the things above, not on things of this earth. My Bible has a note with another phrase, "be intent on." What are you intentional about? Do you intentional place your mind and center your thinking on heavenly things? This is talking about focusing. Sometimes it is difficult to focus on one thing for a long time. Do you remember those pictures that if you stared long enough and hard enough, there was a true picture behind what seemed like chicken scratch? I never saw the "bigger picture" with those; I could never focus long enough or hard enough. But, we are instructed that because of our position in Christ we are to think on heavenly things.
Wait a minute! We already know that we are seated in heavenly places...we read that in Ephesians 2:6 "But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love...made us alive together with Christ by grace...and raised us up with Him, and seated us in the heavenly places, in Christ Jesus." Suddenly this has new meaning.
I have always seen the instruction of "set your mind on things above" as an instruction for those of us on earth trudging through our daily lives having to remind ourselves over and over again to think about heavenly things. In my mind, this involved a great struggle to not think about what was around us day to day. But, if we are already seated in heavenly places, and Paul then tells us to think on heavenly things, that is a bit different perspective! Think about it, when someone sits down to have coffee with you and their mind is not altogether there, it can at times be a little insulting. What if Paul is trying to say, you who are seated in the heavenlies with God, with Christ, could you focus on where you are and stop thinking about where you've been? Stop daydreaming! Be present where you presently are! If I remind myself of where I am, would it be easier to think about where I am?
What a word for me in this stage of transition. I long to be back in Peru and often my thoughts drift back there instead of being here presently. But God has brought me here, to the US, to California, for at least a season. I am certain that as I process the grief of being here and not there, He is with me. Yet, on one hand He wants to say, please would you just remember you are neither here nor there, you are seated in heavenly places. You need not think on Peru or CA, you need to think on Me! On another hand, the more I remind myself that I am here, the easier it is to accept it, to think on it. Accepting my position becomes easier when I am constantly reminded of where I am.
That is enough for now. May it be easier to focus on where you are when you are reminded of where you are.
Our position is having already been raised up with Christ. This is best symbolized with the action of baptism. We are dead to sin and alive in Christ. We have been crucified with Christ and we no longer live but Christ lives in us (Gal 2:20). Raised up with Him and seated in heavenly places, in Christ Jesus (Eph 2:6). Because of the position we have in Christ we are to respond. Because of who Christ is, because of what He has done, because He lives in us, our life should look a certain way. However, we are not to act out of guilt or conform to legalism.
First off, we are to keep seeking the things above. We are to strive to think on heavenly things. When something is lost in your home and you need it, you begin to look for it. But, how long do you look for it? I think the effort you put in to find that lost item is directly proportional to how valuable that item is to you. If you lost, let's say, a piece of paper with a recipe on it, you may look for a few minutes. Maybe you have the option of printing it out again or asking Aunt Sue to write is down one last time. In that case the lost piece of paper is not that valuable. But what if it is the day before you are to board a plane to a foreign country and your passport is nowhere to be found? How long and hard would you search? This would be one of those times that the search would go on until you found what you were looking for. When we are told to keep seeking, we are told to never give up the desperate pursuit of Him who saved us and set us free.
Secondly, we are to set our minds on the things above, not on things of this earth. My Bible has a note with another phrase, "be intent on." What are you intentional about? Do you intentional place your mind and center your thinking on heavenly things? This is talking about focusing. Sometimes it is difficult to focus on one thing for a long time. Do you remember those pictures that if you stared long enough and hard enough, there was a true picture behind what seemed like chicken scratch? I never saw the "bigger picture" with those; I could never focus long enough or hard enough. But, we are instructed that because of our position in Christ we are to think on heavenly things.
Wait a minute! We already know that we are seated in heavenly places...we read that in Ephesians 2:6 "But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love...made us alive together with Christ by grace...and raised us up with Him, and seated us in the heavenly places, in Christ Jesus." Suddenly this has new meaning.
I have always seen the instruction of "set your mind on things above" as an instruction for those of us on earth trudging through our daily lives having to remind ourselves over and over again to think about heavenly things. In my mind, this involved a great struggle to not think about what was around us day to day. But, if we are already seated in heavenly places, and Paul then tells us to think on heavenly things, that is a bit different perspective! Think about it, when someone sits down to have coffee with you and their mind is not altogether there, it can at times be a little insulting. What if Paul is trying to say, you who are seated in the heavenlies with God, with Christ, could you focus on where you are and stop thinking about where you've been? Stop daydreaming! Be present where you presently are! If I remind myself of where I am, would it be easier to think about where I am?
What a word for me in this stage of transition. I long to be back in Peru and often my thoughts drift back there instead of being here presently. But God has brought me here, to the US, to California, for at least a season. I am certain that as I process the grief of being here and not there, He is with me. Yet, on one hand He wants to say, please would you just remember you are neither here nor there, you are seated in heavenly places. You need not think on Peru or CA, you need to think on Me! On another hand, the more I remind myself that I am here, the easier it is to accept it, to think on it. Accepting my position becomes easier when I am constantly reminded of where I am.
That is enough for now. May it be easier to focus on where you are when you are reminded of where you are.
01 March 2009
church
I am struck with the reality that church has become a place to show up with your Sunday best. The gathering that happens on Sunday mornings seems to be a time to put on your happiest face, no matter what you are going through; dress your best; smile your biggest and guilt yourself because you're just not good enough.
I guess I think about the fact that Jesus came for the sick and broken and even though the sick and the broken attend church, they don't want to be seen as sick and broken. So people do their best to cover that up and hope no one realizes that they are hurting, alone, broken vessels.
Shouldn't Sundays be a time to come together and be real? Shouldn't we walk in with the need of Christ to fill us, to heal the pain, to bind the broken? Shouldn't tears and tissues be a commonplace instead of the stiff upper lip?
When did church become the time to put on the show? When did it become the place to hide? Why do we pretend we are perfect when really we are a mess? Why do we pretend to be well when we are sick? Why do we smile when we want to cry?
Sad really.
I guess I think about the fact that Jesus came for the sick and broken and even though the sick and the broken attend church, they don't want to be seen as sick and broken. So people do their best to cover that up and hope no one realizes that they are hurting, alone, broken vessels.
Shouldn't Sundays be a time to come together and be real? Shouldn't we walk in with the need of Christ to fill us, to heal the pain, to bind the broken? Shouldn't tears and tissues be a commonplace instead of the stiff upper lip?
When did church become the time to put on the show? When did it become the place to hide? Why do we pretend we are perfect when really we are a mess? Why do we pretend to be well when we are sick? Why do we smile when we want to cry?
Sad really.
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