feeling protected

Today, my heart is longing to feel safe and protected. I think about the many times throughout my life which I have simply not felt that way. It seems like I typically felt unsafe and unprotected by others. Those others being people who should have sought to protect me. My childhood was riddled with moments of feeling unsafe and my adulthood is now stained with the same feelings.

So, I have learned through the majority of my experiences that I must take care of myself. I must learn to protect myself. I must make sure I am safe. I can count on no one else to do that for me.

So how do I reconcile that with the reality that God wants to protect me, wants to keep me safe, wants to be my shelter, wants to hide me under His wings. How do I trust that someone else will be there to protect and shelter me? How do I believe that I don't always have to rely on myself? This is hard for me to understand and I am struggling today to not be envious of so many people around me who do in fact have those protectors in life; people who serve to keep them safe.

Why did God allow me so many experiences for me to learn the very opposite of what he truly wants for me to know? This is confusing and so very hard to unlearn.

burden

I never want to be a burden. To anyone. Tonight someone questioned why I use that word. I never think of myself as an inconvenience. That sounds trivial, light. I will always refer to myself as a burden. That is how I see myself. What I think about myself.

What is a burden? According to Merriam Webster, it is something that is carried, something oppressive or worrisome, the bearing of a load. According to Wikipedia, it is a heavy weight that is difficult to carry. Metaphorically it refers to anything difficult or troubling.

So, do I see myself as oppressive, a load to bear, a heavy weight I place on others? In so many ways I do. I sense as though my one time of asking for someone to listen to me would be such a terrible inconvenience that it would wind up being as a burden to them.

She asked if anyone had ever said that to me? Has anyone at some point in my life said to me that I am a burden? Interesting question, something to ponder. Truthfully, I cannot remember right off the bat. I don't know if I even felt that way about myself growing up. But I know that in friendships, I absolutely feel that way. I want so desperately to talk and to share with people, I want to be known. Yet, that very desire remains locked away because I am too afraid to say anything, to share (without being asked first) or to need anything or anybody. Why can't it be simpler? Why can't I trust that my friends are my friends? Or trust in what a friend is?

Am I a burden? Do I see myself only as that? Why? How can that be changed?

every three months

My past year has been hard. Sure years before that were hard with legal issues, crazy people and safety concerns. But, I think I have sense of stability when I have a place to call home. But this past year has been riddled with moving to and fro, here and there.

Last August I returned to the states in order to get a better perspective on things that were going on Peru. I booked a ticket for one month and wound up staying three. It just took me that long to make some of the decisions I needed to make.

I returned to Peru in November, part of me knowing I would be moving back to the US and another part of me begging to stay in Peru. I waited and listened to God and knew that my time in Peru was coming to a close. It was hard to pack up six years of my life in order to move back, but it was time and it had to be done.

I arrived in February back in the states and was graciously taken in by a family to stay without even really discussing the terms and conditions of my stay with them. Throughout this time, I have worried almost daily about being in the way, being a burden and just not being wanted. No, I haven't said those things to them, they just float through my mind and heart constantly.

Now, because of things that are changing at this family's house, I need to find someplace else to move to. It really didn't come as a surprise to hear it. I am not mad at them or myself. But, most definitely my eyes quickly filled with tears and I held them back as much as possible. As soon as I could, I took refuge in my room where I could begin to take some action. Although they say it is not urgent, I feel the urgency because these changes are about to occur this week. I really don't know where to go, but I feel the need to figure it out.

It is really hard for me to trust God when I am hurting. Too many times, I have suffered pains of the heart and I have just had to deal with them. Alone. So to trust that God is going to lead me to a room, a family, somewhere to stay is hard for me to believe. Someone encourages me to let people care about me. For me it is not an issue of someone caring about me, it is an issue of where I will lay my head. Now what? Now where?

I want to take action because then I won't feel all that is going on in my heart. I am scared that where I end up will be the wrong place and I will just be uncomfortable the entire time. I am scared that I will emotionally pull away from the family where I am currently staying and hurt the friendships I have with them. I am scared of where I will go from there. I feel like I cannot ask too much of any one family, so asking for a room over the summer is plenty. But then August comes and what do I do?

This makes me face the reality that daily I crave to walk into my apartment in Peru, to be in my kitchen the size of a closet, to hear the crazy noises of my neighbors and the street vendors and the like. I want to have a place that is my own again. I feel like I am living in such a way right now that I cannot settle in. I lived with the question of what do I do next for far too long. I hate feeling that at any time, I will have to make another move.

My heart is tired of trying to adjust to all these changes. This is where I come back to this feeling of wanting to just pack up my car and disappear. I just don't want to be anyone's burden. Heck, I don't know what to do with me, why should anyone else be pulled into that question along with me? I already know my patterns...I want to numb all of these feelings and go into hiding. The opposite of all of that is to not numb anything and stay in the open. But you know, for me that is scary.

Learn to Lose?

"In America, we teach people how to acquire things, but we don't teach how to lose them,"

Bishop F. Josephus Johnson II said. Johnson is the senior pastor of The House of the Lord in Akron Ohio. This church is home to Patty Porter, mother of Jesse Marie Davis, the pregnant 26-year-old Lake Township, Ohio, woman whose body was found June 23, 10 days after she disappeared.

I was struck by this comment. At times I experience the clash between wanting to acquire and seeing the benefit in losing things. Even in the last few days I have seen that play out. I returned from the jungle with over 30 pounds of fruit including plantains, carambola, jungle mandarins and oranges. When I asked my friends what they did with their large containers of fruit, one admitted that while her family was consuming it, her mom was also giving it away bit by bit to visitors. Yesterday, someone visited and brought even more fruit! I have had the opportunity to give some away to people that visit my house and for whatever reason I could not.

I realize that fruit has no comparison with a life and that my giving away would be completely voluntary while so many people lose things involuntarily. But I am struck by the reality that Americans in general live to acquire more and must learn how to lose in order to be healthy, sane humans.

I was drawn back to the article I found on cnn.com and read it out loud to those at my house (translated into Spanish of course!).

The reality, Johnson said, is that life amounts to an unending series of losses. "From the moment that we come out of our mother's womb, there's a loss. There's a loss of connection. ... And then all along, we lose as we grow up. We lose friends, we change grades, we lose toys, we lose pets. ... As you get into later life, we lose hair, we lose strength. ... So life can be viewed as a series of losses, but yet America is much more concerned about what we acquire than it is about what we lose."

As a result, well-meaning people often make unhelpful remarks to grieving people.

"One of the things we say a lot is, 'Time will heal all wounds.' And time really does not heal anything," Johnson said. "We give the example in Grief Recovery that if we believe time heals things, then when you get a flat tire, just go out and get a chair and sit by it and see whether the flat fixes itself. It's not going to do that. You have to make informed decisions and choices in order to be able to heal certain things."

Part of the problem, he said, is that Americans tend to try to work through things intellectually rather than emotionally.

"When you have an event that brings emotional loss, you cannot think your way through that, you have to feel your way through it. It's like going into a dark room: You can't think your way through that room, you have to put your hands out and feel your way through it."

And although he says we often bring grief upon ourselves by making poor decisions that have bad consequences, Johnson acknowledges that bad things happen to good people.

"The redeeming factor is that God is going to redeem the world one day, and nothing that happens to us in this life is final in terms of where we're going to spend eternity," he said.

"God will redeem those things. He will one day right every wrong. But in the meantime, we are facing still some of the things that are going on because in the fall, the devil himself, now understanding that he is not going to win, is more active than he has ever been."

Just Listen!!!

Sometimes it seems we complicate the idea of hearing the voice of God or discerning the will of God. I think that what is behind the complication is the basic desire or lack of desire to hear Him or not. When we seem to have in mind a multitude of options or solutions to an issue, we make the hearing difficult. When we want one answer and that is the very thing He speaks to us, we seem to accept it without hesitation. Truly when we have fewer choices or options it is just simpler to hear Him. When we have all of these ideas, options in mind it is almost as if we want to offer them back to God instead of simply accepting what He says to us in the first place.

I felt similarly in many stores in the United States on my recent visit. Let's say I asked for a "grande americano." Mind you, I can no longer say "grande" without rolling my "r" and the "baristas" often look back at me quizzically. So I ask for my americano and instead of telling me that is it $2.00 and waiting for the payment, they proceed with a variety of other questions.

Barista: "Do you need any other coffee drinks?"
Me: "No thanks."
Barista: "Any pastries to go with that today?"
Me: "No just the coffee, thanks."
Barista: "Would you like to purchase a gift card?"
Me: "No, the coffee is all."

I am not sure how you feel about the onslaught of options but I just felt like my original request was not really heard or accepted. Instead of trusting me that I know what I need or want, they would offer me the rest of the store. Sure, sure...I know this is all part of good marketing and sometimes it does in fact work with customers, but I do not believe it is the way we should respond to God.

God does not exactly just request things of us, He speaks to us and requires obedience. Yet many times it seems like we respond as the barista responded to me. When we don't like His instructions we ask Him if there is any other way to accomplish something. When we don't like His timing, we ask if there is a way He could change things sooner...or later. When we don't really want to be pushed out of out comfort zone, we ask if someone else could complete the task. It is not so much that God does not speak to us, it has more to do with whether or not we choose to hear Him and accept when He says to us.

The Unknown, The Unseen and The Uncontrollable

God does not always let me in on what He is doing and often that leaves me in the dark. Funny, I think that is where He wants me to be! Not in the dark in an evil sense; but in the dark walking by the Light who is Jesus. However, I too experience moments of confusion, of panic, of worry and I long to know how He will fix the problem. But God does not have to fill me in on how He will resolve things; I must simply trust that He will.

God is teaching me that I cannot rely on my understanding or my perception of a situation. True understanding and complete perception lies in Him alone. Being someone who really enjoys making plans and know what direction things are going in, it can be difficult when I don't seem to have a clue. Recently I was doing some studying some events in the life of Jesus. The healing of the bleeding woman taught us that He has authority over disease and the resurrection of a little girl teaches us that He has authority over death. The funny thing is that He was afforded the opportunity to show His authority over death because the woman "interrupted" His journey to heal the sick little girl and allowed enough time for her to die. Upon arrival at the house, He created a private moment and healed her. At times Jesus allows a delay and an apparent worsening of the situation in order to bring more glory to Himself. I must choose to trust His timing, His wisdom, His leading in the many occasions that I simply do not understand.

Take today for instance. I had coffee with a friend and upon leaving the mall, I had already set my mind on taking the bus home - a nice 30-40 minute ride back to my street. The red and green bus pulled around the corner (and no it is not because of Christmas!) and I climbed aboard. After some time of winding through the streets of Miraflores, we came upon a detour. We were in gridlock while herds of people were walking the other direction, dressed or decorated in purple. Today is All Saint's Day and they had closed down a number of streets on my route in order to take the idols for a walk. After we passed through the gridlock, I assumed we were making our way back to the original route; but something within me told me I had gotten on the wrong bus. Panic arose and I began to look for a place to get off and for another familiar bus. I was using the time to pray and try to understand how God was at work in my life through the various situations I am faced with. I had no idea what direction I was headed, I had no idea where the destination would be, but I had to calm my heart and trust that God was in control. Eventually, I realized I was headed back to my street; I had taken the scenic route which afforded me a 2 hour journey, a cobrador who was upset I paid only 1 sol for my trip and time to be reminded I must trust.

When I want to know what the outcome will be of a difficult situation...trust
When I claim to not understand...trust
When I desire answers, reassurance...trust
When I cannot see the end at the beginning...trust

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
Lean not on your own understanding.
In all of your ways acknowledge Him and
He will make your path straight.
Proverbs 3:5&6

My prayer is that I would trust My God with the unknown, the unseen and uncontrollable. May He and He alone be Lord over my heart.