every three months

My past year has been hard. Sure years before that were hard with legal issues, crazy people and safety concerns. But, I think I have sense of stability when I have a place to call home. But this past year has been riddled with moving to and fro, here and there.

Last August I returned to the states in order to get a better perspective on things that were going on Peru. I booked a ticket for one month and wound up staying three. It just took me that long to make some of the decisions I needed to make.

I returned to Peru in November, part of me knowing I would be moving back to the US and another part of me begging to stay in Peru. I waited and listened to God and knew that my time in Peru was coming to a close. It was hard to pack up six years of my life in order to move back, but it was time and it had to be done.

I arrived in February back in the states and was graciously taken in by a family to stay without even really discussing the terms and conditions of my stay with them. Throughout this time, I have worried almost daily about being in the way, being a burden and just not being wanted. No, I haven't said those things to them, they just float through my mind and heart constantly.

Now, because of things that are changing at this family's house, I need to find someplace else to move to. It really didn't come as a surprise to hear it. I am not mad at them or myself. But, most definitely my eyes quickly filled with tears and I held them back as much as possible. As soon as I could, I took refuge in my room where I could begin to take some action. Although they say it is not urgent, I feel the urgency because these changes are about to occur this week. I really don't know where to go, but I feel the need to figure it out.

It is really hard for me to trust God when I am hurting. Too many times, I have suffered pains of the heart and I have just had to deal with them. Alone. So to trust that God is going to lead me to a room, a family, somewhere to stay is hard for me to believe. Someone encourages me to let people care about me. For me it is not an issue of someone caring about me, it is an issue of where I will lay my head. Now what? Now where?

I want to take action because then I won't feel all that is going on in my heart. I am scared that where I end up will be the wrong place and I will just be uncomfortable the entire time. I am scared that I will emotionally pull away from the family where I am currently staying and hurt the friendships I have with them. I am scared of where I will go from there. I feel like I cannot ask too much of any one family, so asking for a room over the summer is plenty. But then August comes and what do I do?

This makes me face the reality that daily I crave to walk into my apartment in Peru, to be in my kitchen the size of a closet, to hear the crazy noises of my neighbors and the street vendors and the like. I want to have a place that is my own again. I feel like I am living in such a way right now that I cannot settle in. I lived with the question of what do I do next for far too long. I hate feeling that at any time, I will have to make another move.

My heart is tired of trying to adjust to all these changes. This is where I come back to this feeling of wanting to just pack up my car and disappear. I just don't want to be anyone's burden. Heck, I don't know what to do with me, why should anyone else be pulled into that question along with me? I already know my patterns...I want to numb all of these feelings and go into hiding. The opposite of all of that is to not numb anything and stay in the open. But you know, for me that is scary.

happened again

Well, it kinda happened again. But in a different way. Since early this morning, I have been wrestling with "feeling" okay. It includes the thoughts of I don't belong, I am not wanted, I am in the way and sends me down a path I really don't desire to be on. I wind up really missing Peru and thinking about the things I need to do to just get myself back there. I worry that others around me are uncomfortable around me and that makes me want to hide, but when I hide, people are uncomfortable. I feel like I can't win.

Okay, so this afternoon...lots of people, most of whom are heading somewhere together...part of me wants to stay, part of me wants to go. I debate mentally instead of respond physically. One of the other gals encourages me to go and I mentally sway to the side of going. I run to change my shoes and hear the front door close. I was still decided to participate, to be social. Then once I stepped out the door and down the first few steps, it hit me...which car will I go in? Of course, I wouldn't want to arrive alone; I would want to go with others. But I don't have the courage or confidence to ask. So...I turned around and came back inside.

Mind you, I don't feel defeated. I went in and cleaned the kitchen, made some coffee and enjoyed some time alone. I am totally okay with that and truthfully don't feel left out or unwanted. But I do feel disappointed in myself. Disappointed that I didn't take a few more steps in order to make myself part of the others. Disappointed that my fears control me. Disappointed that I just don't know how to do this; this being interact with others in a positive and healthy way.

Then it just makes me mad. Mad because I realize that all that time as a little girl that I was supposed to learn these things was spent dealing with my fighting parents and using up all my effort to do everything perfectly. Mad because I feel like such a little girl when it comes to these things. Mad because I don't know what to do in these situations; who can I turn to? Mad because this is not what I want to be facing in life. Mad because I wish I was past this growing and learning stage; I wish these things were already learned.

I am not really sure where to turn with all of these thoughts and feelings. And that kind of frustrates me as well. Anyway...it happened again. I acted like a little girl.

gone

When you decide to only bring six bags back from Peru, you really do expect that all six will make it. I mean really, six bags isn't much and you just hope for the best when it comes to having those things in your possession again. But, no! One got stolen back in February. It is just now that I am beginning to recall things that were packed into that bag and am kind of sad for my losses. I suppose this is just my way of acknowledging my loss.

Green Letters - But not just any old copy of this. It was the copy that I had used to disciple a few girls and it was full of notes. I had also sent it to Kim so she could add her notes. It was a precious journey that many had taken. Gone.

The Lord is My Shepherd - A book that Kim and I read through together in different hemispheres. I learned so much about psalm 23 and it was something I had been looking forward to reading once again upon arriving back here in the states. Gone.

A Woman After God's Own Heart - Another book by the same author. I called it my wife book. It seemed to be everything you needed to learn about being a godly wife and included so many subjects that I had to really wrestle with. Great teachings and something that again, I was looking forward to. Gone.

Large Workout Ball - Oh I have the manual. I have the DVD. But that actual ball to use to exercise with? Gone.

Dresses - My cute summer dresses, ones I hardly used there in Peru and was honestly looking forward to using here in the US, were packed into a ziploc bag. Now? Gone.

White blouse - I remember this one because it was the same one we had bought for Jael for her graduation from the Bible Training. I bought myself one because I liked it so much and it made me think of her every time I used it. Gone.

Metro Cookbooks - I went a little crazy when the small series of cookbooks went on sale at Metro and bought as many as I could find. I packed some with me in the first bags and the rest went into the last bag. I hadn't even looked through some of them, saving them until I arrived back here in the states as somewhat of a present to me. Gone.

Ceviche Cookbook - Sadly, one of my favorite cookbooks I think was packed into that bag since it would come later and I just didn't need it right away. I think that too is...gone.

For now, those are the things I remember. I will add more if I think of more.

Belonging

Well there is no time like the present to just jump back in and start to share. Sure I would love some great tale to tell, some thought to convey. But when it all comes down to it, I really have nothing profound. I am on a journey and cannot exactly see the destination and truthfully just wish I could go back. I am right in the midst of processing some pics from around my apartment in Peru and it makes me miss all of the sights and sounds, even smells of life there. I would love to pick myself up and just head back. Now.

I suppose I am struggling right now with belonging. I know it it the cry of our heart to belong. And I know as Christians that we technically belong to the family of God. But when family here in the US means the same last name and not much else, being part of that family is similar. Sure, we can meet on Sundays but really we just go about our week without much thought for the other person.

So belonging in my context? In many ways I really no longer "belonged" in Peru. The work I had done came to an end because the vision got distorted and sidetracked. So there was not really much to belong to. Now I am back here in the states. Sure, I am even back in the city I left from. But I continue to ask myself where do I belong? I am growing to hate that question because I have yet to answer.

I guess this will be a question I continue to seek the answer to. Where do I belong?

Where do you belong?

caught

So, I feel like I need counseling before I feel like I can start "real life." But I need to start real life to have the money for counseling. Seems that I am caught in a never-ending cyclical problem.

Any thoughts?

a knock on the door

The other night I was sitting at a friends house and there was a knock on the door. She was expecting more friends to show up. She (and others) yelled from the back of the house "Come In!!!"

I was really caught off guard hearing these yells and the words tumbled from my mouth, "That is so American!" Others heard me and wondered what I was trying to say. To me, it seemed so American, so impersonal, so...rude...to just yell people into the house. No greeting. No effort. No nothing.

I know, this is just the way here. It is not a point of offense but more, it was a surprise. Her friends came in, everyone seemed to greet one another, without the typical kiss on the cheek of course.

Those at the table asked more questions, "Do you always go to the door?" "Is there ever a time that people just walk in the house?" "That isn't common in Peru?" I realized that I had started quite a conversation.

answer

People everywhere all the time ask why I moved back from Peru. I try to explain that the ministries I was working with had come to an end and it was time for me to return to a place of community. I jumble up all my words in an effort to explain the heartache I have in my heart. I try to convince people that it is for the best while in reality I think I am convincing myself of that very thing.

But, why don't I say it as it is? I am back in the states to stay aligned with God. Simple and sweet, yet oh so true. God showed me months before that I would have satisfaction through obedience. I really must trust His words in that.

Satisfaction Through Obedience...it is what will heal my heart.

here

So here I sit, Sunday night, and wonder what this week will bring. I am starting to feel more and more frustrated about life here and trying to figure out how to make it all work. I sense that I should be taking greater strides to make things happen and I cannot seem to get my mind wrapped around what the next step is.

I suppose I wish people cared about me being back here in the states. Too many days, I feel lonely and want to move my life back to Peru. I enjoyed my days there. It felt familiar. I miss the sounds, the people, the traffic, life. Here, it all seems unfamiliar. I am never sure where to turn. I feel as though I don't have anyone to turn to.

Sure there are moments that I enjoy seeing people and talking with them. But that ends. No one seems genuinely interested in my presence here, just in the moment at hand. So, a missionary comes home to visit, and I know there is a sense of needing to connect. A limited time. But here, I sit, without a time limit and cannot seem to make a move.

So, all this to say I am lonely, confused, hurt and want to pack my bags to head back down south.

perishable

It's funny really that we have such a fear of foods moving past their expiration date. Well, maybe my friend is the exception, I found a box of carrot cake mix that expired in 2002. But perishable items are a little more sketchy, I don't find too many things past their date in the fridge. One or two, but not a few.

A friend of mine, when he lived as a bachelor, held onto all kinds of bottles and cartons well after their time had come. In fact when my roommate and I cleaned out his fridge, there were milk jugs that had expired a year before. On the other hand, I have friends that once they see the date has passed will toss something in the garbage without looking or smelling. Mind you, they may be throwing away good items based on their "sell by" date alone.

I have learned, most things are worth checking out. In Peru, I made the most of most things and if my natural yogurt had an expiration of January, I still used it into February. Of course, I checked it each and every time I was about to pour it in a mixing bowl. You must take care with perishable items. Sooner or later they will perish.

But there are so many things in this life that are perishing and we forget. We hold onto them like my bachelor friend. 1 Peter 1:18-19 acknowledges that silver and gold will perish, unlike the redeeming blood of the lamb, which will not. We look forward to a day when the earth and all its works will be burned up to pave the way for the new heavens and the new earth (2pet 3:10-13). Yet, we continue to build up and store up. For what? To have more to lose in the end?

The pastor on Sunday morning made a quick and interesting statement. He was speaking about things we should focus on - the eternal and not the temporal. He stated that "the temporal will perish." Followed up quickly with, "these church buildings one day will be gone!"

So, sitting there with my mind half American, half Peruvian at this point, I couldn't help but think about the types of churches that I saw all over Peru and the types which I find here in the US. Seems like churches here are getting built up to be bigger and bigger, until the size of the lot is outgrown and a move "must" be made. I was intrigued by a small church in the jungle which had no doors. It had three walls and a roof, but that fourth wall was missing. Sure, it made for some work when they had to connect the lights to the electrical wires. It made for more work to carry the guitar and the offering plate down to the church. But, it was open and inviting. How many US churches these days have locked gates and security guards? What have we turned church into?

Anyways, it struck me that just like the milk that sits in your fridge has an expiration date because it is a perishable item, so the church building looks forward to a day which it will no longer stand. What will are the people inside. Therefore, the people's hearts and souls are *more* important than the building.

So, why is it that churches raise millions of dollars for building campaigns and are cutting back on missionary support?

focus on where you are

In reading the first few verses of Colossians 3, it is interesting to note that we are called to do a few things as a result of our position in Him.

Our position is having already been raised up with Christ. This is best symbolized with the action of baptism. We are dead to sin and alive in Christ. We have been crucified with Christ and we no longer live but Christ lives in us (Gal 2:20). Raised up with Him and seated in heavenly places, in Christ Jesus (Eph 2:6). Because of the position we have in Christ we are to respond. Because of who Christ is, because of what He has done, because He lives in us, our life should look a certain way. However, we are not to act out of guilt or conform to legalism.

First off, we are to keep seeking the things above. We are to strive to think on heavenly things. When something is lost in your home and you need it, you begin to look for it. But, how long do you look for it? I think the effort you put in to find that lost item is directly proportional to how valuable that item is to you. If you lost, let's say, a piece of paper with a recipe on it, you may look for a few minutes. Maybe you have the option of printing it out again or asking Aunt Sue to write is down one last time. In that case the lost piece of paper is not that valuable. But what if it is the day before you are to board a plane to a foreign country and your passport is nowhere to be found? How long and hard would you search? This would be one of those times that the search would go on until you found what you were looking for. When we are told to keep seeking, we are told to never give up the desperate pursuit of Him who saved us and set us free.

Secondly, we are to set our minds on the things above, not on things of this earth. My Bible has a note with another phrase, "be intent on." What are you intentional about? Do you intentional place your mind and center your thinking on heavenly things? This is talking about focusing. Sometimes it is difficult to focus on one thing for a long time. Do you remember those pictures that if you stared long enough and hard enough, there was a true picture behind what seemed like chicken scratch? I never saw the "bigger picture" with those; I could never focus long enough or hard enough. But, we are instructed that because of our position in Christ we are to think on heavenly things.

Wait a minute! We already know that we are seated in heavenly places...we read that in Ephesians 2:6 "But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love...made us alive together with Christ by grace...and raised us up with Him, and seated us in the heavenly places, in Christ Jesus." Suddenly this has new meaning.

I have always seen the instruction of "set your mind on things above" as an instruction for those of us on earth trudging through our daily lives having to remind ourselves over and over again to think about heavenly things. In my mind, this involved a great struggle to not think about what was around us day to day. But, if we are already seated in heavenly places, and Paul then tells us to think on heavenly things, that is a bit different perspective! Think about it, when someone sits down to have coffee with you and their mind is not altogether there, it can at times be a little insulting. What if Paul is trying to say, you who are seated in the heavenlies with God, with Christ, could you focus on where you are and stop thinking about where you've been? Stop daydreaming! Be present where you presently are! If I remind myself of where I am, would it be easier to think about where I am?

What a word for me in this stage of transition. I long to be back in Peru and often my thoughts drift back there instead of being here presently. But God has brought me here, to the US, to California, for at least a season. I am certain that as I process the grief of being here and not there, He is with me. Yet, on one hand He wants to say, please would you just remember you are neither here nor there, you are seated in heavenly places. You need not think on Peru or CA, you need to think on Me! On another hand, the more I remind myself that I am here, the easier it is to accept it, to think on it. Accepting my position becomes easier when I am constantly reminded of where I am.

That is enough for now. May it be easier to focus on where you are when you are reminded of where you are.

church

I am struck with the reality that church has become a place to show up with your Sunday best. The gathering that happens on Sunday mornings seems to be a time to put on your happiest face, no matter what you are going through; dress your best; smile your biggest and guilt yourself because you're just not good enough.

I guess I think about the fact that Jesus came for the sick and broken and even though the sick and the broken attend church, they don't want to be seen as sick and broken. So people do their best to cover that up and hope no one realizes that they are hurting, alone, broken vessels.

Shouldn't Sundays be a time to come together and be real? Shouldn't we walk in with the need of Christ to fill us, to heal the pain, to bind the broken? Shouldn't tears and tissues be a commonplace instead of the stiff upper lip?

When did church become the time to put on the show? When did it become the place to hide? Why do we pretend we are perfect when really we are a mess? Why do we pretend to be well when we are sick? Why do we smile when we want to cry?

Sad really.

a door to be opened

Just finished watching an interesting movie. I think I like it so much because I guess I can see myself in the character. The whole movie is about the anger of the main character and how her anger permeates to affect the rest of the people.

I am not trying to say that I am just entirely full of anger, but it is her hardness I identify with. She is hardened by hurt. She distances herself to protect herself. It seems as though people can't reach her yet the very one that does isn't so much trying to break through her hard exterior. He is just there. Repeatedly.

I suppose so often that is exactly what I crave. I want someone to be there for me. Sure, I may seem hardened on the outside, but really inside there is an insecurity, a hurt, fear and all of those other things. But who wants to let that show? It seems much "easier" to lock that all away and close the door.

The downside is that others only see the hard surface of the door and may never actually see inside.

weekends

I am not sure why the weekends seem to be harder on me. Maybe because what little routine I have on weekdays flies out the window on the weekend? Maybe because I think people will be freer to visit me and that is not the case at all? Maybe I get my hopes up only for them to be dashed?

I walked around a few stores today and longed to be back in Peru. I longed to speak Spanish. I longed to hear the sounds, smell the smells and see the sites. I longed to be with people who are my friends. I wanted to be in a place that I felt safe and comfortable.

I almost started crying a hundred times. I had to keep telling myself to wait until I got home. Wait until it is okay. But when I seem to want to let the tears out, they just don't flow. I feel unhappy and discontent.

I don't feel as though I belong. I know I need to find a place to fit in, a place to belong to. A community. I thought my community was here, and in some way it is. But my community is no longer one, it has split into many parts and I am not sure which I fit into. This has some resemblance to my parents divorcing and creating new families. I wasn't really a part of either although before I was part of the one. I think that is how I feel a little bit.

I wish I knew where to start. I wish I knew where I could fit in, where I could belong, where I could become a part of things. You know I always said it may be easier to "start over" and not return to a place I was once part of. Going back brings up expectations of what once was and will never again be. I don't really know how to release those expectations in order to allow God to recreate things.

I feel really alone here. And I don't like it.

meet needs

I find it interesting that so many people are non-committal. I have gotten a lot of suggestions and open invitations from people. But very few have been specific. And even fewer are willing to go the extra mile to reach me.

I say this in the context that people would prefer I go to them. I know, they have kids, they have houses, they have lives.

I say this in the context that I hear a lot of "we should get together" without a date or a time. It never happens.

I say this in the context that it ends up being what is convenient for them.

I also say this in the context that it was nice that yesterday a friend went out out of her way to pick me up, take me grocery shopping, allowed me to cook in her kitchen, and took me to a Kings game.

I also say this in context that is was nice today to be picked up and taken to lunch, back to my friends house to play with her twins and then driven on an errand I had. We talked about how too many people say "whatever you need" and few people actually reach out to meet needs.

So, I say all of this to encourage you to meet needs you see. Don't just offer to meet the need.

water restrictions

After I got home last night and catching the last few minutes of american idol, I also watched the first few minutes of the local news. (Which by the way I really miss watching in Peru!) The story that caught my eye was about the new water restrictions being enforced in Folsom, CA.

I know about water restrictions and was curious what type of restrictions are adopted in a state which by comparison, has a lot of water. The restrictions have to do with landscape watering. The city will being to monitor which days you water on and if your house address is an even number, you can water certain days, and odd numbers have their reserved days. So essentially, there is water, they just want people to be more mindful of how it is being used.

Inside, I could only chuckle. For almost a year in Peru, my water was shut off by 3pm - daily! If you were to try the tap, nothing would come out. I would set my alarm to return to my house about a half hour before in order to fill the tea kettle for hot water and a bucket for washing dishes later along with a few other pots in case I wanted to cook something.

I kind of hated this time because it seemed to attract a lot of flies! The dirty dishes would often sit in the sink overnight and the first thing I would do upon waking up (after starting the coffee) was wash dishes. I just couldn't stand to go to bed with a full sink. But sometimes, there just wasn't any more water. Nothing seemed to ever feel really clean because you wanted to use as little water as possible. Many nights I chose not to cook because I didn't want to clean up afterward.

What I learned to appreciate were Sundays and Mondays. After church on Sundays, I had a window of time that the water would still be on. I would rush home to use my time to cook or bake something special that day. The entire day on Monday would be dedicated to my kitchen until the water shut off at 3pm of course.

Water restrictions in Folsom...we'll see if it helps!

kings game

Last night, I was lucky enough to head to a Kings game with a friend. Since heading to a Peruvian soccer match was part of my last few days in Peru, I thought it may also be fun to go to a game here. I was hardly prepared for several of the differences I faced.

Walking into the arena after so long was amazing because things just seemed so different. I tried to hand my ticket to the first guy and he just wanted to run the metal detector in front and in back of me. The next lady took my ticket and scanned the bar code, then gave the whole thing back to me. Okay, what was that all about? When did the ticket people stop taking the tickets? What is the point of the bar code? Do they think they are reducing paper waste? I still have the ticket...it will still end up in the trash somewhere!

Just inside the doors, I couldn't help but laugh at the stark difference of the food available. There was stand after stand in Arco of ice cream, sandwiches, and the most comical - portable bars! Knowing that arena food is probably two to three times what it should be, I could only imagine the price hike on a rum & coke. Amazingly enough, people bought these things. In Peru, there were a few stands where the women would take whatever they sold that evening and feed their family the next day. They might have even been able to serve meat if the sales were good enough. The majority of people inside the Peruvian stadium buy small packets of chifles, habas tostadas, and other crunchy salty things for a whopping $.15 each.

The game last night was more of a show. There were a few people that were emceeing and games were played whenever possible. They kept giving things away in an effort to win over more fans. The fan base seems to be low and it is said because the team isn't playing well. The final score was only a 7 point spread but I could see that the Kings only seemed to have spurts of good playing.

The highlight? Michael Jordan was at the game!

reoccurring dream

I seem to keep having the same dreams, or dreams about similar topics. It seems to always have to do with packing myself up to move. Sometimes I am with all Peruvians, last night it was a gringa friend who was with me, helping me. Often I am racing to get things done in order to get to the airport on time.

Seems like last nights dream was a bit different. I was packing up the final things with my friend at the ministry office, merely for the additional space. My ministry partner was trying to enter the building by the front door, because he did not have a key. (The ministry office was actually my personal apartment.) He and several girls he had with him tried to find a way in through the door or through the windows. I wanted to head out the back but was just not quick enough. I think he had seen my friend inside.

He and his group went around to the side of the place where there was an open window with a wooden frame and a long curtain to cover it. The curtain was blowing in the wind. He prepared to go through the open window and I kind of popped up, visible to them all. He stopped what he was trying to do and backed off.

Somehow when we were finished packing things up, we were exiting. He felt it was his right to stand at the door and await our exit. My bags were still inside and would be going to the airport with me later on. He demanded the key to the door which my friend gave him and we left.

Later on, it occurred to me that the key my friend had given him was the only one. My bags were now locked inside the room and I would not be able to get my things out in time to head to the airport.

Then I woke up.

Seems like every night for the past several I have a similar dream, with different details. It is sort of exhausting. I am already here and really don't desire to relive those last moments.

dedication

If I could, how I would love to dedicate these verses to someone.

Then Job responded,
What a help you are to the weak!
How you have saved the arm without strength!
What counsel you have given to one without wisdom!
What helpful insight you have abundantly provided!
To whom have you uttered words?
And whose spirit was expressed through you?
Job 26:1-4

It amazes me how people think they are being helpful when in reality they are just doing harm.

death & grieving

When I mentioned that at the memorial service of their father, my friend and her brother made those in attendance laugh; my Peruvian friend found that strange. "I suppose we Peruvians are mas emocionales." I realized there are several differences between death in the different countries.

In Peru, the funeral and burial is almost immediate, within 24 hours typically. In years past, the chemicals were not available to inject dead bodies for the duration of funeral planning that I have seen in the US. In Peru, it was a quick service and quick burial to prevent the spread of disease. I have heard of stories in which those that came to do autopsies were asked to write false dates and times in order to give friends and family time to arrive. Although the burial may be rapid, transportation is not!

Grief and mourning seem to be different. There are times when I think Peruvians do not show very much emotion. I remember asking if my friend cried at his brother's funeral. I guess I just do not see emotion among Peruvian men. Ever. So, naturally one would wonder if that emotion would be released upon news of a death.

But then here's the catch, I think as Americans we seem to be much more deeply affected by death. Someone may die in our lives and we always go back to it. We talk about it and how it changed and affected us. Peruvians seem to know death is simply part of life. Maybe Americans think that their power extends to immortality too?

Anyway, back to my friend and her brother and their memorial service humor. They shared about their father and told the tales of their lives. Their father was a funny man and that came out in each and every one of the stories. Those that had come to pay their respects remembered their father in a similar way and enjoyed a trip down memory lane. There was no disrespect, of course they will miss him, of course they are sad. But for a brief time, they chose to remember the great things about their father.

Grief is an interesting thing and it makes us do interesting things. I like the custom we tend to have that we bring tales and stories which help people remember those that have passed in the most positive way. We walked away from saying goodbye with tears in our eyes and a smile on our lips.

sunday morning

This mornings sermon was all about legalism. Unfortunately it hits close to home for me after living in Peru and even dealing with some American churches.

All too often, we lose the perspective of the Biblical standards and begin to create our own standards. I really liked the explanation that the pastor gave of that this morning. Legalism comes from UNBELIEF. As in, one does not trust God enough, so one creates rules to not need to trust God. Interesting and I think, all too true.

When we remember that there really is nothing we can do to earn God's favor and no rules we can place on others to measure them up as spiritual or not, it does sort of bring things back to Christ living through us. You know, the whole point of Christianity?

Something hit me though, churches are defined by their rules and regulations. Denominations are defined by the way they do things or the things they find acceptable or not acceptable. Christians are known or are supposed to be known by their love for one another and their love for God. Unfortunately many Christians are instead known by their own personal rules & regulations or those they enforce with the people around them. Infrequently do we truly find people that serve Christ and others because that is what truly springs from their heart. What are you defined by? Are you defined by Christ or by the rules you claim to follow?

Anyway, there are some things I want to touch on further, such as the difference between legalism & discipline; the Do-To-Be Tree; Jesus + something = idolatry; legalism as I have seen it in Peru & the US. Those are all for a later time.