Good-bye

I guess I write because I have a feeling that I will write here a bit more often. I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing? It comes from the fact that I just had to say goodbye to a good friend. Moving back overseas. You know living overseas means people coming into and out of your life a whole lot. You get used to good-byes. But maybe it isn't so much just the fact of living overseas but a bit more of being in and among people who come & go. Missions minded people may just have to learn to live, love and leave. A lot.

Okay, so why are "we" talking again? I guess because I realize that I need to talk...to process...to think out loud if you will. There is just a good chance that I will need to talk and share somewhere and that place might just be here.

Anyways, I just felt like I need to say that. I may be here more often. That's all. Thanks.

Included, yet Excluded

Yeah, this may not be the last you hear about this subject mostly because it burns me to think of how lame it is. How is it that you can receive an invitation to something you don't really feel welcome to, yet you make the decision to brave it. Once you brave the uncomfortable, you find yourself even more uncomfortable when you are obvious and evidently excluded. Lame. I wanted to pick up my keys at that moment and split! I didn't take off and I even spoke up to say that it was lame. So, at the end of the night, I felt better for being honest but the same as far as being included. It was just an uncomfortable evening to which I was invited as an afterthought. Oh well, live and learn. Right?

Inspired. Again.

So, months have gone by and suddenly I feel inspired to start to write a bit again. I wonder what the theme of this spurt might be. It seems the last one was me just trying to process all the pain I was feeling. Not that the pain is gone now, but at least I feel like I am on the road to healing in a way I wasn't several months ago.

Monday morning. I have more energy today simply because I stayed home yesterday. Seems more and more I recognize that I am an introvert. I get energy just from being alone. Yesterday, things just fell into place for me to do just about nothing. Sure, I drank my coffee in the morning; relaxed in the afternoon and even exercised. Then Amazing Race at 7pm followed by looking at pictures and crying because I miss Peru in the evening. I realize that I was truly happy there doing what I was doing, living where I was living and being with who I was with. My smiles were bigger and more genuine.

Today, I work and will stay to work out since I am on the journey to get healthy. I feel much better than I did a month ago, I have lost 10 pounds and inches off just about everywhere on my bod. But, I still have a ways to go!

Anyway, just felt like I needed to say (to no one) that I am back.

pain

In considering the ways in which we must allow ourselves to be crucified in order to identify with Christ, the one regarding pain stand out to me most.

After spending the weekend at HeartChange, we were encouraged and even in some ways forced to feel the pain. It was grueling to some extent, but well worth it in others. I had a headache & backache for some time and was dying for some relief. Several had prayed for me, prayed over me and I was not feeling better; in fact at times the headache got worse.

One morning when we were supposed to share from the heart I began to share how the headache and backache I had were overwhelming. It was leading me to see that once more, I was going to have to take care of myself. Just like in coming back from Peru. Just like in moving out of the last home I was in. Just like when I was a little girl and my parents weren't there for me. Just like all my life. My heart was crying out to be cared for.

The group gathered around me. They prayed, they cared and they loved. Eventually, I laid down, took more medicine and felt better after some time.

If I had not had that extreme pain, I would not have had the deep love. Interesting concept, no?

crucified

Today's study was about being crucified. "I have been crucified with Christ..." I am to identify with Christ in His death in order to allow Him to live through me. Trouble is, too often I am not sure how to identify with the crucified life. We covered some points today that I wanted to take note of.

1. I will be misunderstood as I pursue God.
2. I must relinquish my will, my plans and receive that which He has prepared for me.
3. This road may be lonely.
4. Alone may be exactly where God wants me.
5. I must always be prepared to give an answer.
6. I must be willing to do something different for God; get out of my box!
7. The road may be undignified.
8. I must relinquish my rights.
9. I must allow pain into my life and not try to medicate it away.
10. I must remember that I am not forsaken although I may feel that way at times.

I must be willing to identify with His crucifixion in order to identify with Him in His life!

prepared

We are starting out with a bit of an overview of Galatians in this study. I remember studying Galatians from the perspective of false teaching, but I sense that this is going to give me yet another perspective. Even further out, we started with a visit by Paul & Barnabus to Pisidian Antioch on the day of the sabbath, visiting a synagogue. The rulers read from the Law & the Prophets and sent word to Paul & Barnabus to share a word of encouragement.

Immediately, I am reminded of so many instances where I would be visiting a church in the mountains or jungles of Peru and simply because I was there, I would be asked to share. Oh, to be able to lay out a sermon like this at a moment's notice. To be able to articulate God's intimate involvement in history. Paul & Barnabus were ready to share at any moment. There was no self-doubt; no false humility; no worry of offense. Simply and concisely, they share saying "Listen to me!" and continue with an incredible sermon citing the history of God's hand in the people of Israel up to the opportunity to receive forgiveness because of Christ's sacrifice.

beyond

I sense that the word beyond will become more important that I can now fathom. I felt like I needed to get a quick sense about the meaning. The worldly meaning. But, I have a feeling that by the end of this, I will have a better grasp of what God wants to say through the word beyond.

Merriam Webster: from Old English begeondan, from be- + geondan beyond, from geond yond
Date: before 12th century

1 : on or to the farther side : farther
2 : in addition : besides


The Free Dictionary
prep.
1. On the far side of; past: Just beyond the fence.
2. Later than; after: beyond midnight.
3. To a degree that is past the understanding, reach, or scope of: an evil beyond remedy.
4. To a degree or amount greater than: rich beyond his wildest dreams.
5. In addition to: asked for nothing beyond peace and quiet.

adv.
1. Farther along or away.
2. In addition; more: wanted her share but nothing beyond.

n.
1. That which is past or to a degree greater than knowledge or experience; the unknown: "Sputnik, the first satellite to enter the great beyond of space" Dale Russakoff.
2. The world beyond death; the hereafter.

living beyond ourselves

So, I am excited to begin a new study. With others. It will be good. Strange how all the connections have happened, but yet I am still eager to see what God is up to. He has something planned, something designed for all of this. I really am not so sure what that is right now. But, I am glad to journey these next few months with these women.

We are going to be studying the Beth Moore study of Living Beyond Yourself. It is the study of Galatians with a focus on the fruit of the spirit. I am glad to participate and very glad to know that I will be learning more about how God wants to fill me and grow fruit through me.

I was just pondering the name.

Living. Something someone said recently has stuck with me. That I must learn how to live instead of only survive. That I have perfected my survival skills, but that I now have the opportunity to learn to live. I suppose I wonder and marvel at how much this may teach me just that. How to live!

Beyond. Sometimes we are eager to know there is more. That what we see, touch, hear and smell is not all there is. We long to know that there is more. I recognize that all too often I have cried out how much I hate my life. Not really life in general, but my life. The daily activities of living. I am again eager to see something more. Something beyond. When you think of the word, there is almost this sense of hope for more; hope that there is truly something besides what you can see.

Yourself. Myself. Again, not always happy with who I am. Knowing there is more. I do long to have God heal, restore and make me whole. Maybe this will truly be a time for me to see God reach in and do a bit of that. It is not all about me; never has been. I need to see God at work in me. I need to comprehend that God has more for me. I need to allow Him to get in deep; deeper than I have before.

Living. Beyond. Yourself.

It is my prayer that I will learn to live, not just survive.
It is my prayer that I will have hope in the "beyond".
It is my prayer that I will see God and not just myself.

transformation

Transformation is more than just knowing the Word of God. I can know what the Bible says and I can know what God intends for me. But I can still be left wondering how transformation comes about.

What more must take place besides just learning and knowing? How does that transfer into change? Honestly, I know a lot, I believe a lot yet something inside of me knows there is a lot farther to journey before I arrive at "being transformed."

I long to see the changes I can now only dream about. Normally I am one who can see all the steps in the process to bring about change. Yet in this one, I cannot conceive of what would be necessary, or maybe I really do know and just don't want to actually admit it.

Transformation. How has it come about in your life? How have you become free from your past? How have you seen change come into your life?

today

It's my birthday. A depressing sort of day for me. I mentioned that the day before my birthday is full of sad memories. Well, seems as though it only got more depressing. I got news today that my grandmother is in a full time care facility because her dementia was out of control. It makes me sad that she will never be the grandmother that gave hugs that hurt anymore. She may not even remember me anymore. I guess I just find that kind of sad and depressing.

Besides getting bad news, I am struggling to figure out what to do tomorrow. I work during the day and of course I would love to have some friends come by tomorrow in the evening. Except I don't want to extend the effort only to be rejected. What if I invite people and they don't come by? I have waited long enough, it would not surprise me if no one could. So do I just decide that no one comes and that is that? No invites, no rejections. I think that is my current plan, sadly enough.

More later. I should sleep.