Good-bye

I guess I write because I have a feeling that I will write here a bit more often. I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing? It comes from the fact that I just had to say goodbye to a good friend. Moving back overseas. You know living overseas means people coming into and out of your life a whole lot. You get used to good-byes. But maybe it isn't so much just the fact of living overseas but a bit more of being in and among people who come & go. Missions minded people may just have to learn to live, love and leave. A lot.

Okay, so why are "we" talking again? I guess because I realize that I need to talk...to process...to think out loud if you will. There is just a good chance that I will need to talk and share somewhere and that place might just be here.

Anyways, I just felt like I need to say that. I may be here more often. That's all. Thanks.

Included, yet Excluded

Yeah, this may not be the last you hear about this subject mostly because it burns me to think of how lame it is. How is it that you can receive an invitation to something you don't really feel welcome to, yet you make the decision to brave it. Once you brave the uncomfortable, you find yourself even more uncomfortable when you are obvious and evidently excluded. Lame. I wanted to pick up my keys at that moment and split! I didn't take off and I even spoke up to say that it was lame. So, at the end of the night, I felt better for being honest but the same as far as being included. It was just an uncomfortable evening to which I was invited as an afterthought. Oh well, live and learn. Right?

invitation

Dang! Why do I hear the "well, you can come if you want to" invitation as not an invitation but more as an after thought. I long to be included in things and yet when someone presents the inclusion in such a way that sounds like I will just be a burden or am unwanted, I will just refuse. If you want to invite me, invite me. Don't invite others in the room and then throw that out there like some kind of scrap, "well, you can come if you want to."

A Long Time...

I feel like a lot of time has passed since I have actually written. I figure that no one actually reads this and therefore I question why bother writing. I have been working a lot more at my blog Canela y Comino and found both my time in the kitchen as well as the time I write to be some what therapeutic. Okay, really therapeutic. You can check in with me over there on a regular basis.

But...the thing is...there is a lot in my head and my heart that I cannot seem to express. I keep telling people that I seem to settle down once I am in the kitchen. I chop. I puree. I saute. I cook. I bake. These things seem to help me process and pray about these things that are in my mind.

Something, though, has been nagging at me to write it down. I wonder if trying to write instead of verbally express myself would be better. De repente yo puedo escribir solo en espanol para que algunos no mas entiendan. No se que seria mejor. A veces pienso mas claramente asi than like this. It all just depends. Todo depende.

So today someone stopped by my house. Una visita. She came by to ask a favor. But instead of dropping by and running out as usual she stayed and talked. We talked about life and things of the past, the present and the future. But something she said will continue to molestarme como siempre. The comments I often hear include something along the lines of "we all try to be your friend." See...people drop by for something, por una razon, to see someone, to ask a favor, for something. Rarely is it to see me, to talk with me. It is not that that bothers me. It is that they see that as trying to be my friend.

She suggests that our perspective of being a friend is very different. I should drop by their houses more. I say I would like to but I haven't been invited. Exactly she says. Oh how we think differently. Somehow I am supposed to understand that someone coming by to ask a favor really means that they are my friend, that they are trying to spend time with me and in turn I am obligated to reciprocate that? How complicated. If they want me to visit, why don't they just invite me? Why not just say, come on over. See other do this. I am invited. I am welcomed. I don't wonder. Sure the Latin culture is full of visits, but still it seems odd to me. I think part of the reason is that it can take 2 hours by bus to go somewhere, so you would not likely go somewhere without previa aviso. You would not likely just be in the neighborhood.

Anyway, all that to say that I still struggle with figuring out how to "be friends" with people. I wish it was just easy. Porque no puede ser mas facil? Porque la gente no piensan igual como yo? Porque? Me gustaria entender pero tambien me gustaria que ellos me entendarian a mi. Porque siempre tengo que explicarme? Si, claro, yo se que 5 anos no significa que soy experta aqui.

So what do I do now? She came by. Does that mean that I need to visit her soon? Does that obligate me to respond in some way? Como hago?